It's Me.

Another year has passed
and we're all a little older.
Last summer felt hotter
and winter seems much colder.

There was a time not long ago
when life was quite a blast.
Now I fully understand
about 'Living in the Past'

We used to go to weddings,
football games and lunches.
Now we go to funeral homes,
and after-funeral brunches.

We used to have hangovers,
from parties that were gay.
Now we suffer body aches
and wile the night away.

We used to go out dining,
and couldn't get our fill.
Now we ask for doggie bags,
come home and take a pill.

We used to often travel
to places near and far.
Now we get sore asses
from riding in the car.

We used to go to nightclubs
and drink a little booze.
Now we stay home at night
and watch the evening news.

That, my friend is how life is,
and now my tale is told.

So, enjoy each day and live it up...
before you're too damned old!

A girl came skipping home from school one day. "Mommy,
Mommy, she yelled, "We were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10!"

"Very good," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde?" the girl asked.
"Yes, it's because you're blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy,"
she yelled, "We were saying the alphabet today, and all the
other kids said up to D, but I said it up to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!"
"Very good," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
"Yes, It's because you're blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home from school.
"Mommy, Mommy!" she yelled, "We were in gym class today, and when we were showering, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" She lifted up her tank top to reveal a pair of 36 C's.
"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
"No, Honey, Its because you're 27."

"Anyone with needs to be prayed over, come forward, to the front at the altar," the Preacher says.

Leroy gets in line, and when it's his turn, the preacher asks: "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you."

Leroy replies: "Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing."

The preacher puts one finger in Leroy's ear, and he places the other hand on top of Leroy's head and prays and prays and prays, he prays a blue streak for Leroy.

After a few minutes, the Preacher removes his hands, stands back and asks, "Leroy, how is your hearing now?"

Leroy says, "I don't know, Reverend, it ain't til next Wednesday!"

A young fellow had just gotten his Driver's Permit.

He asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said he'd make a deal with his son. "You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut and we'll talk about the car."

The son thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said, "Son, I've been real proud. You brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm real disappointed that you didn't get your hair cut."

The young man paused a moment, then said: "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair, and there's even a strong argument that Jesus had long hair.

To this his father replied, "Did you also notice that they all walked everywhere they went?"

It has been determined,
the most used sexual position for married couples
is a doggie position.
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The husband sits up and begs.
The wife rolls over and plays dead.

Yep, as I said, I have quite a neat bum, well, so I am told, I don't actually mean that folk come up to me in the street and tell me that, well, there was that instance once in a club in Brighton, but, no, that's another story.

No, what I mean is, it is not baggy.

I have at last accepted that I am no longer a size 34 waist and realise the effect that wearing size 34 is having on my bladder, bowels and anything else that is down there, so, 36 waist it will have to be.

That is where my problems started. Spending 6 hours, that includes lunch, in one of the premier shopping areas in the UK, Glasgow, and visiting every shop that may possibly have what I required, I end up with a baggy bum. Not only that, I also now have baggy thighs.

Why is it that manufacturers think that a move from 34 waist to 36 waist
must double the size of a body below the waist?

PS, I did discover one shop that had a perfect pair of jeans, 36 waist, neat bum, neat thighs and beautiful soft denim but priced at £270! No, you will have to wait and see me in my speedos to know that, I DON'T HAVE A BAGGY BUM.

* What's all this nonsense about that 66-year-old Romanian woman being
the world's oldest mum? My mum's 77. Beat that.

* Peter Andre might look smug in all his wedding pictures, but I'd just
like to remind him that, as a Playboy reader, I have seen his wife's
m!nge. He hasn't seen my wife's, so who's had the last laugh?

* Imagine my shock at getting a letter from my doctor advising me I only
had a month to live but thankfully the letter was not for me but for my
son with the same name who lives with us. Close call.

* What is it with diabetics? One minute they're on the floor with a
loved one standing by screaming "Give him some chocolate! Give him some
chocolate!" The next day someone offers them a piece of chocolate and
quick as a flash they say "No thanks, I'm diabetic." I wish they'd get
their story straight.

* I have just returned from a diplomatic trip to the Congo and I can
testify that at no point did I see anyone drinking Um Bongo.

* WHY DON'T NHS bosses start hiring obsessive compulsives as nurses? Their attention to hygiene and constant hand washing would see an end to MRSA outbreaks in no time.

* Why is it that pubs won't serve me if I'm drunk, but McDonalds
continue serving them fat f***ers? Its hardly fair.

* Never mind ventriloquists like Keith Harris and Roger DeCourcey. What
about Professor Stephen Hawking? I saw him on telly blathering on about
galaxies for hours and I never saw his lips move once. Genius

* The person who coined the phrase "as different as chalk and cheese"
obviously hadn't tasted Kwik Save's cheddar.

* They say football is a game of two halves. Not for me it isn't. I
regularly down eight or nine pints whilst watching a live game on Sky TV
in my local.

* If, as Freddie Mercury claimed, fat bottomed girls make the rocking
world go round, isn't it about time that the city of Glasgow received
some recognition for its contribution to astrophysics?

* These so-called speed bumps are a joke. If anything, they slow you
down

* We should remember the tremendous contribution of the Queen Mother to
the war effort: as the BBC pointed out, she "bravely remained in London
beside her husband" during the war. This contrasts sharply with the
actions of my grandfather who, on the declaration of war immediately
left his wife and children and p*ssed off, first to France , then North0
Africa , Italy , France (again) and finally Germany . The shame will
always be with us.

* Like the Queen Mum, my grandfather was a frequent visitor to the East
End during the dark days of the blitz, but he was never hailed as a hero
by the people of London . That's because he flew Heinkel bombers for the
Luftwaffe. Werner Hoffman, Munich .

* I would just like to say a big thank you to all those wonderful young
people who stand on motorway slip roads (and in any weather) holding up
boards telling us motorists where they lead to.

* Davina McCall says that dangling off a helicopter over the Grand
Canyon on a 700 foot bungee rope was the most terrifying and dangerous
thing she has ever done. She must be forgetting that she went out with
Stan Collymore.

For all of us who are seniors - for all of you who know seniors - and for all of you who will be seniors... It pays to be able to laugh about it when you are!

And, speaking of senior moments:

"WHERE is my SUNDAY paper?" The irate customer calling the newspaper office loudly demanded, wanting to know where her Sunday edition was.

"Madam", said the newspaper employee, "today is Saturday.
The Sunday paper is not delivered until tomorrow, on SUNDAY".

There was quite a long pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition as she was heard to mutter,

"Well f**k me ... that's why no one was at church today"

Students at a local school were assigned to read 2 books, 'Titanic' and 'My Life' by Bill Clinton.

One student turned in the following book report,
With the proposition that they were nearly identical stories!

His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report.

Titanic... Cost - $29.99
Clinton .... Cost - $29.99

Titanic.... Over 3 hours to read
Clinton .. Over 3 hours to read

Titanic..... The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton .. The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.

Titanic.... Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton ...... Bill is a bullshit artist.

Titanic... In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton ... Ditto for Bill.

Titanic..... During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton .... Ditto for Monica.

Titanic..... Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton .. Let's not go there.

Titanic.... Rose gets to keep her jewelry.
Clinton ... Monica' s forced to return her gifts.

Titanic.... Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life..
Clinton .... Clinton doesn't remember Jack.

Titanic.... Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton .... Monica.. Ooh, let's not go there, either.

Titanic..... Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton .... Bill goes home to Hillary - basically the same thing

LAS VEGAS CHURCHES ACCEPT GAMBLING CHIPS.

THIS MAY COME AS A SURPRISE
TO THOSE OF YOU NOT LIVING IN
LAS VEGAS , BUT THERE ARE MORE CATHOLIC CHURCHES THAN CASINOS.

NOT SURPRISINGLY, SOME WORSHIPERS AT SUNDAY SERVICES WILL GIVE CASINO CHIPS RATHER THAN CASH WHEN THE BASKET IS PASSED.

SINCE THEY GET CHIPS FROM MANY DIFFERENT CASINOS, THE CHURCHES HAVE DEVISED A METHOD TO COLLECT THE OFFERINGS.

THE CHURCHES SEND ALL THEIR COLLECTED CHIPS TO A NEARBY FRANCISCAN MONASTERY FOR SORTING AND THEN THE CHIPS ARE TAKEN TO THE CASINOS OF ORIGIN AND CASHED IN.
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THIS IS DONE BY THE CHIP MONKS .
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YOU
DIDN'T EVEN SEE IT COMING DID YOU?

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GOTCHA!

Have a great
Day!