Thinking about my last post re, Female minds, and the little blue balls, I remembered this,

No further comment necessary.

Every one of those little blue balls is a thought about something that needs to be done, a decision or a problem
that needs to be solved.

Ricky Gervaise showed him self as a right pillock when he was asked to "fill in" on a live show a while ago, this evening he showed his ability as an actor when he has a script, his acting prior to departing the big brother house was excellent.

I have been watching those idiots at the sales, only on T V as I wouldn't go near the shops today.

Frenzied wild eyed examples of our gentle female sex grabbing 6, yes SIX, handbags, trampling over clothes and other people to obtain their so called bargains after queuing since 4 am this morning.

"Spending a million pounds a minute" quotes someone, lies, but brilliant advertising to pull out all those that now think that they are missing out

There are no such things as bargains, there are items that are on sale that make a lesser profit than normal for the retailer, there are items that previously were on sale at ten times the price in some out of the corner of the U K, ( to comply with, or bend, the law ).

Two simple changes in the law would help to stop this great con. All items on sale must have been on display on those premises during the three months prior to sale, and, the price tag must only display the current price, no reference can be made to previous prices.

This would prevent retailers from buying in special cheap lines often made in the sweat shops around the world and buyers would not be influenced by the amount that they believe they are saving.

No, of course it won't happen.

Rant over.

So far today I have spent the time practicing on my organ, no, not that one, this is one that I bought for just £1 at a car boot sale,

I think that I am getting better, there is many a good tune played on an old organ.

( I apologize in advance for this post ).

This is a quiz for people who know everything! I found out in a hurry that I didn't. These are not trick questions. They are straight questions with straight answers

1. Name the one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends.

2. What famous North American landmark is constantly moving backward?

3. Of all vegetables, only two can live to produce on their own for several growing seasons. All other vegetables must be replanted every year. What are the only two perennial vegetables?

4. What fruit has its seeds on the outside?

5. In many liquor stores, you can buy pear brandy, with a real pear inside the bottle. The pear is whole and ripe, and the bottle is genuine; it hasn't been cut in any way. How did the pear get inside the bottle?

6. Only three words in standard English begin with the letters ' dw' and they are all common words. Name two of them.

7. There are 14 punctuation marks in English grammar. Can you name at least half of them?

8. Name the only vegetable or fruit that is never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form except fresh.

9. Name 6 or more things that you can wear on your feet beginning with the letter 'S.'
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Answers To Quiz:

1. The one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends . . Boxing

2. North American landmark constantly moving backward . Niagara Falls (The rim is worn down about two and a half feet each year because of the millions of gallons of water that rush over it every minute.)

3. Only two vegetables that can live to produce on their own for several growing seasons . .. Asparagus and rhubarb.

4. The fruit with its seeds on the outside . . Strawberry.

5. How did the pear get inside the brandy bottle? It grew inside the bottle. (The bottles are placed over pear buds when they are small, and are wired in place on the tree. The bottle is left in place for the entire growing season. When the pears are ripe, they are snipped off at the stems.)

6. Three English words beginning with dw Dwarf, dwell and dwindle.

7. Fourteen punctuation marks in English grammar . . Period, comma, colon, semicolon, dash, hyphen, apostrophe, question mark, exclamation mark , quotation marks, brackets, parenthesis, braces, and ellipses.

8. The only vegetable or fruit never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form but fresh... Lettuce.

9. Six or more things you can wear on your feet beginning with 'S' Shoes, socks, sandals, sneakers, slippers, skis, skates, snowshoes, stockings, stilts.

Note, my friend mkfunky, who, being a normal lady just could not wait for the answers mailed me, she actually got 10 out of 9 as she came up with a third answer to question number 3, Strawberries, I think that she is right, that is based on my limited knowledge of horticultural subjects, if you know different let me know.

Much like myself this has been around for a while, you know what they say, the oldens are the best.

Jacob, age 92, and Henrietta, age 89, are excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a Chemist. Jacob suggests they go in and speak to the pharmacist about things.

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"

The pharmacist answers "Yes".

Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"

Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"

Pharmacist:" All kinds."

Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis?"

Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jacob: "How about Viagra?"

Pharmacist: "Of course."

Jacob:" Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?"

Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety.....the works!"

Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, antidotes for Parkinson's Disease?"

Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

Finally Jacob ask the question :"Do you sell wheelchairs and walkers?"

Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes. Why do you ask? Is there something I can help you with?"

Jacob says to the pharmacist: "Well in that case we'd like to nominate your store as our Bridal Gift Registry."

A Scotsman is walking through a field one afternoon when he sees a man using his hand to scoop water from a pool into his mouth. The Scotsman shouts 'Haw, dinnae swally thon watter, it's fu o' coo's keech' (Don't drink the water, it's full of cow's excrement).

The man shouts back 'I'm English, speak English, I don't understand you!'.
The Scotsman then shouts back 'Use both hands, you'll get more in'.
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You know I don't mean it, I love you all.

Well, it's nearly over in the U K, in Australia it's finished and in the USA they are half way through, only 365 days to wait for the next one, 2008 is a leap year.

First time that I have spent Christmas day evening on my own, to be very honest, the first time that I have cooked a Christmas dinner, so I took a picture of it,

Gammon joint, roast potatoes, cut green beans and sweet corn, how about that Gordon Ramsay if you are reading my posts.

So, back to the fact that I mentioned in the first paragraph, next year is a leap year, any one like to propose to me.

( Sorry, I know that it is sexist but this invitation is only to the ladies)

This is a pleasant Christmas greeting,

http://www.jacquielawson.com:80/viewcard.asp?code=ER13610552

Are you alone? I am, by circumstances and choice. I am alone but not lonely.

I have three sons, three daughters in law and six grand children, I visited them this morning, handed over presents, and received some, all of them are in good health, happy and contented, I am so proud of them all.

I would have been with my lady friend but, she, with my blessings, is visiting her sister in law who lives alone and has just completed her chemotherapy, those are the circumstances. All three of my sons invited me for dinner, it was my choice to say thanks but no.

I am not good at “doing” Christmas since my wife died in 2003 after 40 years together, yes I have “moved on”, I have closed that little door in my memory as you must eventually do, but, at Christmas, I can open it again for a while, not to make me sad but to remember the good things that happened and on my own I can be at peace with the world.

My thoughts in particular go to all those that are facing up to the first Christmas after the loss of a loved one, I know this will be a time of pain, tears, regrets and anger, it is normal and natural, it was a part of your life that has ended, all of these feelings will diminish over a period of time and you will be able to start the new part of your life, I know that you will never forget, and, will be able to open the door to that part of your life when you wish to.

As we go into another new year, may you find peace.

You know what, proof positive that times have changed, opened the curtains at 9.15 am and some thing was missing, kids.

30 odd years ago it would have been crazy out there, kids on their new bicycles, tricycles and scooters, these kids have all grown up and moved away but the new families have children of their own, same age group, where are they?

They are hunched over their x-box, I-pod, or flailing their arms about with a wei.

That's life.

My wife Sarah worked in one of the larger up-market shops in Glasgow and, whilst buying my last minute presents I wandered on to the floor that she was working on. At her till, in those days each department had their own, I stood behind the crowd of laughing chatting people waiting to make their purchase, I called out,

"Excuse me miss, where do I go to buy a nice saucepan for my wife's Christmas present"

The crowd went silent.

"If you would wait a moment sir I will help you to select the right one", she said, "and, may I suggest, a smaller saucepan, that way the pain will be less as she shoves it up your back-side"

Many of these jokes only work in Scotland. Me, being an Englishman, can understand them as I have lived here for some time, and most are very funny.

Translation service available if required.

A Glasgow woman goes to the dentist and settles down in the chair. "Comfy?" asks the dentist.
"Govan," she replies.

What did the Siamese twins from Glasgow call their autobiography? Oor Wullie.

A guy walks into an antiques shop and says: "How much for the set of antlers?"
"Two hundred quid," says the bloke behind the counter.
"That's affa deer," says the guy.

Did you hear about the fella who liked eating bricks and cement? He's awa' noo.

After announcing he's getting married, a boy tells his pal he'll be wearing the kilt. "And what's the tartan?" asks his mate. "Oh, she'll be wearing a white dress," he replies.

What do you call a pigeon that goes to Aviemore for its holidays? A skean dhu.

How many Spanish guys does it take to change a lightbulb? Just Juan.

Aman takes a pair of shoes back to the shop and complains that there is a lace missing.
"No," argues the assistant, "look at the label - it says Taiwan ."

What's the difference between The Rolling Stones and an Aberdeen sheep farmer? The Rolling Stones say: "Hey you, get off of my cloud." And an Aberdeen sheep farmer says: "Hey McLeod, get off of ma ewe."

What do you call an illegitimate Scottish insect? A wee fly b*d.

What about the Scotsman who lost his testicles in a motorcycle accident? The surgeon re-attached them with Bostik.

While being interviewed for a job as a bus driver, a guy is asked: "What would you do if you had a rowdy passenger?"
"I'd put him off at the next stop," he says.
"Good. And what would you do if you couldn't get the fare?"
"I'd take the first two weeks in August," he replies.

Two negatives make a positive but only in Scotland do two positives make a negative - "Aye right."

A Glasgow man - steaming and skint - is walking down Argyle Street when he spots a guy tinkering with the engine of his car. "What's up, Jimmy?" he asks. "Piston broke," he replies. "Aye, same as masel..."

An older, white haired man walked into a jewellery store one Friday evening
with a beautiful young girl at his side.

He told the jeweller he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a £5,000 ring.

The old man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special."

At that statement, the jeweller went to his special stock and brought another
ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only £40,000" the jeweller said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.

The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweller asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, "by
cheque. I know you need to make sure my cheque is good, so I'll write it now
and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring
up Monday afternoon," he said.

Monday morning, the jeweller phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account."

"I know," said the old man, ................................... "But let me tell you about my weekend!

I was reading Znetru's post, variations on a kissy
by Znethru @ 22 Dec. 2007 - 16.30:26

http://znethru.blog.co.uk/2007/12/22/variations_on_a_kissy~3479164

AAK. Asleep at keyboard.
AFAIC. As far as I'm concerned
A/S/L. Age/Sex/Location
BBS. Be back soon
BG. Big grin
BIL. Boss is listening
BTDTGTTSAWIO. Been there, done that, got the t-shirt and wore it out
CSL. Can't stop laughing
DQMOT. Don't quote me on this
EG. Evil Grin
FWIW. For what it's worth
GGN. Gotta go now
GOL. Giggle out loud
HAK. Hugs and kisses
HAND. Have a nice day
IMHO. In my humble opinion
IMNERHO . In my never even remotely humble opinion
IMNSHO. In my not so humble opinion
IOW. In other words
JK. Just kidding
JTLYK. Just to let you know
KIS. Keep it simple
KIT. Keep in touch
LBH. Let's be honest
MTFBWU. May the force be with you
NBD. No big deal

There are LAL (lots and lots) more, but, for now, NRN.*

Come on Jonathon, get with it.

*NRN. No response necessary

A large section of the people of the great American continent will now hate me, but hey, it's Christmas time, as well as peace and goodwill to all men a little smile goes a long way.

Happy Christmas to you all.

> Senator Hillary Clinton was invited to address a major gathering of the
> American Indian Nation two weeks ago in upper New York State. She spoke
> for almost an hour on her future plans for increasing every Native
> American's present standard of living, should she one day become the
> first female President. She referred to her career as a New York
> Senator, how she had signed "YES" for every Indian issue that came to
> her desk for approval.
>
>
> Although the Senator was vague on the details of her plan, she seemed
> most enthusiastic about her future ideas for helping her "red sisters
> and brothers." At the conclusion of her speech, the Tribes presented
> the Senator with a plaque inscribed with her new Indian name--Walking
> Eagle.
>
>
> The proud Senator then departed in her motorcade, waving to the crowds.
> A news reporter later inquired to the group of chiefs of how they come
> to select the new name given to the Senator. They explained that
> Walking Eagle is the name given to a bird so full of shit it can no
> longer fly.

Christmas dinner all done, sit back and answer these.

This is a quiz for people who know everything! I found out in a hurry that I didn't. These are not trick questions. They are straight questions with straight answers.

1. Name the one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends.

2. What famous North American landmark is constantly moving backward?

3. Of all vegetables, only two can live to produce on their own for several growing seasons. All other vegetables must be replanted every year. What are the only two perennial vegetables?

4. What fruit has its seeds on the outside?

5. In many liquor stores, you can buy pear brandy, with a real pear inside the bottle. The pear is whole and ripe, and the bottle is genuine; it hasn't been cut in any way. How did the pear get inside the bottle?

6. Only three words in standard English begin with the letters ' dw' and they are all common words. Name two of them.

7. There are 14 punctuation marks in English grammar. Can you name at least half of them?

8. Name the only vegetable or fruit that is never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form except fresh.

9. Name 6 or more things that you can wear on your feet beginning with the letter 'S.'

Answers on the afternoon of 26th December.

Happy Christmas.

Keeping the youngsters amused on Christmas eve is not easy, this site will help,

Tracking Santa.

http://www.noradsanta.org

Happy Christmas.

One day a 12-year old boy was walking down the street when a car pulled up beside him and the window was wound down.

"I'll give you a bag of lollies if you get in the car", said the male driver.

"No way, get stuffed", replied the boy.

How about a bag of lollies and £10?" asked the driver.

"I said no way", replied the irritated youngster.

"What about a bag of lollies and FIFTY QUID, eh"? quizzed the driver, still rolling slowly to keep up with the walking boy.

"No, I'm not getting in the fricken car!" answered the boy

"OK, I know what you want, I'll give you £100 and a bag of lollies", the driver offered.

"NO," screamed the boy.

"What will it take to get you into the car"? asked the driver with a long sigh.
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The boy replied, ":Listen Dad, you bought the Skoda, you live with it."

That's it folks for the moment, Christmas shopping to do and it's already half way through the day, but what is life without a laugh.
Happy Christmas.

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING, "SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD."
WELL.. YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE.

MY NAME IS ALICE MILLER AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST. I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME. SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY GRAMMAR SCHOOL CLASS SOME 40 ODD YEARS AGO. COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?

UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT. THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE.

AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK SCHOOL. "YES. YES, I DID. I'M A MUSTANG," HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE. "WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?" I ASKED. HE ANSWERED ,"IN 1967."
"WHY DO YOU ASK?"
"YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!", I EXCLAIMED.
HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.
THEN, THAT UGLY, OLD, BALD, WRINKLED, FAT ASS, GRAY-HAIRED, DECREPIT SOB ASKED, "WHAT DID YOU TEACH?"

My friend Debs sent me this, I think that it is worth sharing,

The Childs' Wonder

"Daddy", she said, her eyes full of tears,
"will you talk to me and quiet my fears?
Those bad boys at school are spreading a lie
'bout the impossibility of reindeer that fly.
There's no Santa Claus, they say with a grin
there's not one now and there has never been.
How can one man take all of those toys
to thousands of girls and boys?
But I told them Daddy, that they were not right,
that I would come home and find out tonight.
Mama said wait until you come home.
Please tell me now that I was not wrong."
Her Daddy looked at her questioning face
and puffed his pipe while his frantic mind raced.
He had put this off as long as he could,
he had to think fast and it better be good.
Whispering a prayer, he began with a smile,
"Remember at circle how we learned to pray,
asking the Goddess to take care of us each day?
And you know how we say a prayer before each meal?
To this same Goddess whom we know to be real.
Though we never see her, we know she is there
watching her children with such loving care."
"The Goddess started Yule a long time ago
when she gave us herself to love and to know.
A spirit of giving came with that gift,
and her generosity filled the whole earth.
Man had to name this spirit of giving
just as he names all things that are living."
"The name Santa Claus came to someones mind
probably the best name of any to find.
There is, you can see, and I think quite clear
Truly a Santa who visits each year.
A spirit like the Goddess, whom we never see,
She enters the hearts of your mother and me."
"Each year at Yule for one special night
we become him and make everything right.
But the REAL spirit of Yule is in you and in me
and I hope that you are old enough now to see
that as we believe and continue to give,
our friend Santa Claus will continue to live."

~Author Unknown~ What a pity.

Today was frosty and foggy, December weather I suppose.

The Dams, Barrhead, Glasgow.

I wonder, is this the gate that we all must go through one day, not quite sure what is in the distance.

That title to this post reminded me of some thing that us lads, so a million years ago, used to sing. We had a competition whilst riding our bikes, singing as loud as we could what we considered a very naughty song,

"I painted it, I painted it
up her belly and down her back
in every ........"

No, you will have to guess the rest. Anyway, it was the kitchen that I painted, it wasn't too bad but the ceiling showed the joins in the ceiling boards, B&Q had thick ceiling emulsion paint, now I have a sparkling white ceiling that shows the joins covered with plastic paint.

Turning my attention to the walls that now looked grubby, and knowing that I had some magnolia left over from a previous job, I set to work, opening the magnolia it didn't appear to be quite enough, I don't give in, I have a full tub of white emulsion, so add a bit, a good stir, now I have off-white, but, too similar to the ceiling, O K I have other stuff that I can add, a bit of Taupe, left over from the front bedroom, mix well, and stand back in amazement.

I now have a shade that doesn't even appear amid the thousands on the Dulux paint chart, "Trade colours for 2005", if it was there, it would probably be called, "Yuk".

The closest that you can get to this shade is probably that mess on the pavement outside the pub on a Sunday morning, often being eaten by seagulls.

Back to the paint, I did try a little test patch and when it dried to a shade that I am calling, "Light Yuk", I gave up on it. There was still enough white emulsion to do the walls, I now have a kitchen that looks like an operating theatre, when the light is on it can probably be seen from outer space, and on Christmas eve there may be a bright shining star hovering over it and shepherds and kings knocking on the door.

It will stay like that until next year, and in the mean time I will wear sunglasses.

Happy Christmas.