http://i200.photobucket.com/albums/aa23/braeside_2007/tmpphp98yLLfkevin50.jpg

I think that is about time that we were informed as to exactly what is going on behind the barbed wire defences of the Isle of Kevin.

If they wish to have ramblers walk the plank or, in the most serious cases, shoot them, I don't care, but, when it comes to tampering with cricket balls and teaching them how to fly, some steps must be taken.

How dare they interfere with England's national game, we must know more.

(Would all members of the Ramblers Association please be on 24 hour stand-by with rucksacks ready packed, this might get nasty )

When the first baby laughed for the first time, the laugh broke into a thousand pieces and they all went skipping about, and that was the beginning of fairies. And now when every new baby is born its first laugh becomes a fairy. So there ought to be one fairy for every boy or girl.

Sir James Matthew Barrie

A baby is God's opinion that the world should go on.

Carl Sandburg

This is only an excuse to put a picture of my lady friends grandchild on my blog.

Isn't she lovely?, her name is Amber.

It's been a bloody miserable day with continual rain and cold with it so I posted a couple of jokes to get the readers smiling, then I started reading other posts, one from kevin, http://www.blog.co.uk/user/kevinwilson/ and another similar one and they made me quite sad, of course we all have to die sometimes but it would be nice to know that we have left behind some good memories, as these two stories did.

That picture at the top I shot while I was up at the dams fishing, well to be honest, dangling a hook in the water, I had dug around in the garden looking for worms, where the hell have they gone?, so I opened a tin of sweetcorn and also tried with some cold meat, pastrami, it's all that I had, nae luck.

Anyway, I always have my camera with me, set on automatic, I must get davidjohn to explain f numbers too me, that's if there are any in a cheap digital camera, who knows what goes on inside it, but, the duck came along, hope he has more success at catching fish than I did, and the reflection in the water looked good.

Posters 7s have been good reading, a lot of funny, clever and honest folk out there.

Good night, sleep tight.

Collie + Lhasa Apso: Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy transport

Spitz + Chow Chow: Spitz-Chow, a dog that throws up a lot

Pointer + Setter: Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet

Pekingese + Lhasa Apso: Peekasso, an abstract dog

Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever: Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists

Newfoundland + Basset Hound: Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors

Terrier + Bulldog: Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes

Bloodhound + Labrador: Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly

Collie + Malamute: Commute, a dog that travels to work

Deerhound + Terrier: Derriere, a dog that's true to the end

Bull Terrier + Shiatsu: ....well....you know......

Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy said to Dolly 'I was artificially inseminated this morning'
'I don't believe you' said Dolly
'It's true, straight up no bull!"
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A woman in a supermarket sees a deal offering 5 boxes of tampax for £1. She can't believe how good the deal is and asks the manager "Is this deal correct?"
"Yes madam, 5 boxes for a pound, no strings attached".
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A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
"My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "Let's have a look at him."
So he picks the dog up and has a good look at its eyes.
"Well, "says the vet, "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? because he's cross-eyed?"
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"No, because he's bloody heavy."

Once again, I do not apologise for this joke, I think it's funny.

A man asks the only other guy in the bar if he can buy him a drink. "Of course," comes the reply.

The first man then asks him, "Where are you from?"

"Ireland," replies the second.

"I'm from Ireland, too! Let's have another round. To Ireland."

"Cheers!" replies the other, and they both toss back their drinks.

The first man asks, "Where in Ireland are you from?"

"Dublin," comes the reply.

"I can't believe it!" says the first man. "I'm from Dublin, too! Let's have another drink. To Dublin!"

Then the first man asks, "What school did you go to?"

"St. Mary's," replies the second. "I graduated in '65."

"This is unbelievable," the first man says. "I went to St. Mary's and graduated in '65, too!"

About this time another man sits down at the bar. "What's going on?" he asks

the bartender. "Not much," he replies. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again."

I have been tagged by two friends so here are my seven facts about me.

The rules are:

"Each person tagged gives 7 random facts about themselves. Those tagged need to write in their blogs the 7 facts, as well as the rules of the game. You need to tag seven others and list their names on your blog. You have to leave those you plan on tagging a note in their comments so they know that they have been tagged and to read your blog."

Seven random facts about me.

(1). I like to hold hands with a lady in my life.

(2). I like to sit in the sun and watch the garden grow.

(3). I like to listen to Frankie Laine singing "I Believe".

(4). I like to feed the birds and watch them eat.

(5). I like to know that my website has helped others.

(6). I don't need anything.

(7). I like my memories.

Now I tag, annbradley, evelynsmith,lizzie233,the_gardener,sallyontour,Larubia,freeasthewind,

I practised,
(1) TEMPERANCE,( Moderation and self restraint)but felt that there was no
(2) JUSTICE.,( Fairness,), in this as others were enjoying themselves, I had
(3)ENVY, (discontent at another's fortunes) but I had
(4)HOPE, (expectation and desire combined) I saw her and along came
(5), LUST, (strong sexual desire), coupled with
(6),GREED, (excessive desire) and
(7),FAITH, (a firm belief) that I could have
(8)PRIDE, (satisfaction in an achievement) and that I would be involved in
(9), CHARITY, (giving voluntarily) with no complaint about
(10), SLOTH, (laziness) and after I would practise
(11)PRUDENCE, (discreetness)but it didn’t happen. I had
(12)FORTITUDE. (courage in adversity) and made up for it be
(13)GLUTTONY,(excess in eating).

What happened to ANGER la_spice?.

With a couple of tags I must now take a look at my life, it probably wont do any harm, and the list will appear eventually.

All things dull and ugly, All creatures short and squat,
All things rude and nasty, The Lord God made the lot;
Each little snake that poisons, Each little wasp that stings,
He made their brutish venom, He made their horrid wings.
All things sick and cancerous, All evil great and small,
All things foul and dangerous, The Lord God made them all.
Each nasty little hornet, Each beastly little squid.
Who made the spikey urchin? Who made the sharks? He did.
All things scabbed and ulcerous, All pox both great and small.
Putrid, foul and gangrenous, The Lord God made them all.

Without comment, but it is from

-- Monty Python's Flying Circus

Do you ever wonder about the abbreviation ASAP?.

Generally we think of it in the terms of even more hurry and stress in out lives As Soon As Possible.

There's work to do, deadlines to meet

You have no time to spare

But as you hurry and as you scurry

Always Say A Prayer.

In the midst of family chaos

Quality time is rare

Do your best, let God do the rest

Always Say A Prayer.

I am not going to apologise to the Irish readers of this post, the Irish can take a joke and it was sent to me by an Irish friend.

Paddy and Mick find three grenades on a building site, as they take them to security Paddy says, "What if one blows up?".

Mick says, "Tell them we only found two".

That's life.

How's this for a hiding place?.

Unfortunately I have had to remove access to the forum on the website "Words Can Help" as several sick minds were trying to use it to promote their sick pornography and fake medicines, this has now been overcome and is once again available.

Maybe you know someone that this this website may help.

Better health is not always cured by medical doctors, the answer is not always "Take one each night". I believe that the depression that is normal after the loss of a long time partner can be helped by understanding that you are not alone, that your symptoms are the same, (or very similar) to many others. The problem is that there is usually no way of knowing this.

I believe that the web site, http://www.wordscanhelp.co.uk is one way of getting this message to the bereaved person. The web site is non-commercial, anonymous and free, there are no advertisements on the site and nothing to buy.

If you know of anyone that this site may help, and I believe that it does help, please let them know.

The web site is also for family and friends to help with the understanding of the problems that the bereaved person has.

There is a forum where you can post messages that may help you or help others and you may leave a memoriam to your lost loved one.

Fruit Polos

A college professor was doing a study testing the senses of first year schoolchildren, using a bowl of fruit Polo's.
He gave all the children the same kind of Polo, one at a time, and asked them to identify them by colour and flavour.
The children began to say:
"Red............cherry,"
"Yellow.........lemon,"
"Green..........lime,"
"Orange........orange."
Finally the professor gave them all honey Polos. After eating them for a few moments none of the children could identify the taste.
"Well," he said "I'll give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father."
One little girl looked up in horror, spit hers out and yelled:
"Oh My God!!!! They're arse-holes!!"

My view on our school system is that it should be changed.

My changes would take place from the age of 13. At this point the child should have a basic education and it should be very obvious if the child is academically inclined or not, if not they should be transferred to classrooms that teach subjects like carpentry, bricklaying, motor mechanics, plumbing, hairdressing, secretarial, etc, receiving instruction in these subjects would be the first stage of an apprenticeship for a job that they were more likely to follow when they leave school thus helping their future employers, and would provide a reason for attending this type of school.

Those remaining in the academic stream would be in easier to handle class sizes without "time wasters", higher educational targets could be achieved, all of these schools would achieve the status of grammar schools preparing the students for university.

Part of my garden to show to my friends.

To know someone here or there with whom you can
feel there is understanding in spite of distances or
thoughts unexpressed - that can make this life a garden.
- Goethe

We are about to enter the summer and BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity, as it's the only type of cooking a 'real' man will do, probably because there is an element of danger involved.

When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:

Routine...

(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.

Here comes the important part:

(4) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

More routine....

(5) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
(6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with the situation.

Important again:

(7) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.

More routine....

(8) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.
(9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

And most important of all:
(10) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his efforts.
(11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women....

A QUOI BON DIRE.

Seventeen years ago you said

Something that sounded like Good-bye;

And everybody thinks that you are dead,

but I.

So I, as I grow stiff and cold

To this and that say Good-bye too;

And everybody sees that I am old

But you.

And one fine morning in a sunny lane

Some boy and girl will meet and kiss and swear

That nobody can love their way again

While over there

You will have smiled, I shall have tossed your hair.

The writer of these beautiful words was Charlotte Mew, 1869-1928.

I don't know what the title, A quoi bon dire, means.

It's amazing the memories that come flooding back when you look back at the old school photographs, I found this site,

http://www.worldschoolphotographs.com

It's certainly worth a look.

The Dams, Barrhead, Glasgow.

Monday, another lovely day, blue skies and sunshine.

The "Dams" are about a mile from my house, man made about 60 years ago, there are the remains of a couple of houses and a bridge, that crossed the original stream that was dammed, under the water. The dams supply the water to the south side of Glasgow and the surrounding lands are under development as Pollok Country Park.

Last week I bought myself a fishing outfit, £19.99 from Argos, and this evening I went fishing, the first time for about 25 years.

It was not an entirely successful trip as the winding handle dropped off of the reel as I was casting and disappeared into the water, lost for ever, there is also a spinner out there in the weeds somewhere.

There is a fishing shop in Paisley, a couple of miles away, and tomorrow I will get a new handle for the reel, then I will go and try again.

The same dams, another day.

A Woman comes home and tells her husband,

"Remember those headaches I've been having

all these years? Well, they're gone."

"No more headaches?" the husband asks,

"What happened?"

His wife replies,

"Margie referred me to a hypnotist.

He told me to stand in front of a mirror,

stare at myself and repeat

'I do not have a headache; I do not have a headache,

I do not have a headache.'

It worked!

The headaches are all gone."

Well, that is wonderful."

His wife then says,

"You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years.

Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see

if he can do anything for that?"

The husband agrees to try it.

Following his appointment, the husband

comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up

his wife and carries her into the bedroom.

He puts her on the bed and says,

"Don't move, I'll be right back."

He goes into the bathroom and comes

back a few minutes later and jumps into bed

and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.

His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!"

The husband says,

"Don't move! I will be right back."

He goes back into the bathroom, comes back

and round two ! was eve n better than the first time.

The wife sits up and her head is spinning.

Her husband again says,

"Don't move, I'll be right back."

With that, he goes back in the bathroom.

This time, his wife quietly follows him and there,

in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying,

" She's not my wife.

She's not my wife.

She's not my wife!"

The falling leaves
Drift by the window
The autumn leaves of red and gold.

I see your lips,
The summer kisses.
The sunburned hands
I used to hold.

Since you went away
The days grow long,
And soon I'll hear old winter's song.

But I miss you most of all, my darling,
When autumn leaves start to fall.

This has been around for some time but worth repeating for those that have not seen it.

Test for Dementia

Below are four (4) questions and a bonus question. You have to answer them instantly. You can't take your time, answer all of them immediately. OK?

Let's find out just how clever you really are....

Ready? GO!!! (scroll down)

First Question:
You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?
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Answer: If you answered that you are first, then you are
absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second!

Try not to screw up next time.
Now answer the second question,
but don't take as much time as you too! k for the first question, OK?

Second Question:
If you overtake the last person, then you are...?
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Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST Person?

You're not very good at this, are you?

Third Question:
Very tricky arithmetic! Note: This must be done in your head only.
Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it.

Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000 . Now add 30.

Add another 1000. Now add 20. Now add another 1000
Now add 10. What is the total?
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Did you get 5000?

The correct answer is actually 4100.

If you don't believe it, check it with a calculator!
Today is definitely not your day, is it?
Maybe you'll get the last question right....
.Maybe.

Fourth Question:

Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini,
4. Nono. What is the name of the fifth daughter?

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Did you Answer Nunu?
NO! Of course it isn't.
Her name is Mary. Read the question again!

Okay, now the bonus round:

A mute person goes into a shop and wants to buy a toothbrush. By
imitating the action of brushing his teeth he successfully
expresses himself to the shopkeeper and! the purchase is
done.
Next, a blind man comes into the shop who wants to buy a pair of
sunglasses; how does HE indicate what he wants?
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He just has to open his mouth and ask...
It's really very simple..

A rose can say I love you and want you to be mine,
A rose can say I thank you for being so very kind,
A rose can say congratulations, whatever the occasion may be,
A rose can say I miss you and wish you were here with me,

Margie Driver

Sunday, woke up to sunshine and blue skies, Oh, what a lovely day, sitting in the garden with the light wind carrying the strong fragrance of this rose.

"Roseraie De L'Hay", A shrub rose with large, velvety double wine red blooms.

It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane:
"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked the man seated in the front row.
"What are my choices?" the man asked.
"Yes or no," she replied.

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at a branch of Sainsbury's store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a passing assistant, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The assistant replied, "I'm afraid not, they're dead."

>SMART ARSED ANSWER OF THE YEAR.

A teacher at a polytechnic college reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final exam.
"Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"

A smart-arsed chappie at the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"

The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said,

"Well, I suppose you'd have to write the exam with your other
hand."

The worlds most extraordinary musical instrument was made in France in the 15th century.

A long row of spikes was connected to a keyboard, under each spike was a pig, arranged according to the pitch of its oink.

Mitchell Symons, Sunday Express.

I want to die while you love me
While yet you hold me fair,
While laughter lies upon my lips
And lights are in my hair.

Georgia Douglas Johnson.