A pupil printed out some work and it was wrong. Teacher asked him to put it in the recycling. She looked at the teacher quizzically and asked:

"How do you recycle paper? Do you just get loads of Tippex?"

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. Level C Maths question:

"You arrive at a bus stop at 5 to 3 and the bus comes at 3.20. How long have you been waiting?"

Pupil answer - " Ages!"

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In a recent written Home Economics test on cookery, the pupils were
asked to write down the names of three typical Scottish dishes.

One pupil carefully wrote : " a plate, a cup and a saucer" !!

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* A PE teacher was presented with an authentic-looking, handwritten note which read:

"Please excuse John from PE today as he forgot to bring his trainers to school."

The pupil was bewildered when he was asked:

"'OK, who did you get to write the note?"

and couldn't work out why his teacher knew the note was a fake immediately!

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A Cockney lady teaching maths in a challenging inner city school
had occasion to chastise one of her female pupils. The girl ran out of
the classroom and went home to tell her mother what had happened.

Very soon afterwards the girl and her mother demanded to speak to the
headmaster. "What's the problem?" he asked.
The mother said to the girl, "Tell him what Mrs.X called you".
The girl then told the headmaster, "She called me a fu**in' lyin' doormat!".

Shocked, the headmaster summoned the teacher to his office. "What, exactly, did you say to that girl this morning?" Mrs.X replied,

"I just told her her faculties were lying dormant"!

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A group of kindergartners were trying very hard to become accustomed
to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the
teacher insisted on NO baby talk!

"You need to use 'Big People' words," she was always reminding them.

She asked John what he had done over the weekend?

"I went to visit my Nana." "No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER.
Use 'Big People' words!"

She then asked Mitchell what he had done "I took a ride on a
choo-choo." She said "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember
to use 'Big People' words."

She then asked little Alex what he had done? "I read a book," he
replied.
"That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?"

Alex thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great
pride, and said,

"Winnie the SH*T"!

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I found these on a website, http://www.allscottishteachers.co.uk/ these are just a few of similar offerings.

I have just discovered a new species of garden pest, I haven't seen it yet, but I know that it is there.

Over night a wee hole has appeared in my hosta, now I know that my defences are good, no slimy slug could beat them, but, Bangelei has. A new war commences, where are Blair and Bush when you really need them?.

I now have in my garden a pest that can overcome the "beer trap", well it's not actually beer as I only drink champagne, so that's what I put in it, never found any drowned slugs but I am woken every morning to the birds singing Nellie Dean.

Exactly twelve inches from the centre of the hosta I have a trench, 1 inch deep and 2 inches wide filled with beautifully coloured pellets and that means that two or three slugs must die to allow the others to cross over on their dead body's. Slugs are just like all of us, none volunteer to die for the cause.

The third line of defence is Fred and he comes in to the garden every night at about 11.45pm, if it's the sort of day when you don't expect slugs I leave him some cat food and this, hopefully will encourage him to come every night. I don't care what farmers say, I like foxes.

Bangelei will also be known as The Hosta Leaf Fly as it's certain that it never crosses the ground or it would DIE.

This is my very lovely Rhododendron.