What would you order if you were told this will be your last meal?

I'm thinking of,

Starter.....Scrambled egg with smoked salmon.
Main .......Veal escalopes with ginger wine, boiled potatoes, french beans.
Pudding...Banana fritters and ice cream.

Page views now total 8 million, no, that's a lie, but so are the stats for page views.

It was a long weekend away at the lady friends going places that cost us nothing but petrol money, and the weather was beautiful.

Saw some Scottish wildlife,

A shame chameal cherma One of those lizardy things that change colour.

A marmoset monkey.

This was a visit to "Calder Glen Country Park" in South Lanarkshire, just a 30 min car ride from Glasgow.

The big house,

and a carving on a dead tree,

A nice day. The sun was shining. All's right with the world.

An American golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods. Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him.

Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him. "Arrgh! What happened?" the Leprechaun asked.

"I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball," the golfer says. "Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get tree wishes, so whaddya want?"

"Thank God, you're all right!" the golfer answers in relief. I don't want anything, I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologise" And the golfer walks off.

"What a nice guy," the Leprechaun says to himself "I have to do something for him. I'll give him the tree things I would want... A great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life."

A year goes by (as it does in stories like this) and the American golfer is back. On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.

"Twas me that made ye hit de ball here," the little guy says. "I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?"

"My game is fantastic!" the golfer answers. "I'm an internationally famous golfer now." He adds, "By the way, it's good to see you're all right.."

"Oh, I'm fine now, thank ye. I did that fer yer golf game, ja know. And tell me, how's yer money situation?"

"Why, it's just wonderful!" the golfer states. "When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100 bills I didn't even know were there!"

"I did that fer ye also. And tell me, how's yer sex life?"?

The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, "It's OK."

"C'mon, c'mon now," urged the Leprechaun, "I'm wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a week?"

Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, "Once, sometimes twice a week."

"What??" responds the Leprechaun in shock.

"That's all? Only once or twice a week?"

"Well," says the golfer, "I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish."

BOOM, BOOM!!!!

Two Irish hunters got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose.

They bagged six. As they started loading the plane for the return trip,
the pilot said the plane could take only four moose. The two lads
objected strongly. "Last year we shot six, and the pilot let us put them
all on board; he had the same plane as yours."

Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. However, even
with full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went
down. A few moments after, climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked
Mick,

"Any idea where we are?"

"I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."

With apologies to all Irish readers, it could just as easily have been Americans, Aussies, Scotsmen, Asians, Eskimos, etc, etc, etc, please just change as required.

From my e-mail inbox,

Messenger Yahoo! Lottery Results You won £820,000.00! Yahoo! Mail congratulates you!

Yahoo! Mail announce you as one of the 10 lucky winners in the ongoing Yahoo Lottery Draw held on the 25 of July, 2007.

All 10 winning email addresses were randomly selected from a batch of 50,000,000 international emails each from Canada , Australia , United States , Asia, Europe, Middle East, Africa and Oceania as part of our international promotions program which is conducted annually, consequently, you have been approved for a total pay out of £820,000.00 (EIGHT HUNDRED AND TWENTY THOUSAND GREAT BRITISH POUNDS STERLING ).
This Lottery was promoted and sponsored by a conglomerate of some
multinational companies as part of their social responsibility to the citizens in the communities where they have operational base. Further more your details(e-mail address) falls within our British representative office in United Kingdom , as indicated in your play coupon and your prize of £820,000.00 will be released to you through our corresponding assing payment bank been (First National Bank of South Africa) FNB.

HOW TO CLAIM YOUR PRIZE

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Batch number.....................Lwh 09445
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Contact Yahoos Agent for Notice of claims.

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AWARD WINNING CERTIFICATE

This is to certify that:
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A COPY OF YOUR PERSONAL PASSPORT

For security reasons, we advice all winners to keep this information confidential until your claim is processed and your prize released to you. This is part of our security protocol to avoid double claiming and unwarranted taking advantage of this program by non-selected winner or unofficial personnel

A man was in a long line at his local Tesco's store. As he got to
>>the
>> > checkout he realized he had forgotten to get condoms, so he asked
>>the
>> > checkout girl if she could have some brought up to the checkout.
>> >
>> > She asked, 'What size condoms?' The customer replied that he didn't
>>know.
>> > She asked him to drop his trousers. He did.
>> > She reached over the counter, grabbed hold of him and called over
>>the
>> > intercom, 'One box of large condoms, Till 5.'
>> >
>> > The next man in line thought this was interesting, and like most of
>>us,
>> > was up for a cheap thrill. When he got up to the checkout, he told
>>the
>> > checker that he too had forgotten to get condoms, and asked if she
>>could
>> > have some brought to the checkout for him.
>> >
>> > She asked him what size, and he stated that he didn't know.
>> > She asked him to drop his trousers. He did.
>> > She gave him a quick feel, picked up the intercom and said, 'One box
>>of
>> > medium-sized condoms, Till 5.'
>> >
>> > A few customers back was this teenage boy.
>> > He thought what he had seen was way too cool.
>> > He had never had any type of sexual contact with a female, so he
>>thought
>> > this was his chance.
>> >
>> > When he got to the till he told the checker he needed some condoms.
>> > She asked him what size and he said he didn't know.
>> > She asked him to drop his trousers and he did.
>> > She reached over the counter, gave him a quick squeeze then picked up
>>the
>> > intercom and said...
>> >
>> >
>> > you'll love this one...................
>> >
>> > ......
>> >
>> >
>> > .....
>> >
>> >
>> > .....
>> >
>> >
>> > ......
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> > 'Mop and bucket, Till 5'

Davidjohn on his site, http://www.blog.co.uk/user/davidjohn/ has some pics that he took in Edinburgh, this is a pic of a post card bought in about 1954 of Edinburgh.

A couple made an arrangement that whoever died first would come back and inform the other about the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife.
After a long and happy life, Fred was the first to go and true to his word, he made contact: "Mary, Mary." "Is that you, Fred?"
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
"What's it like then, Sweetheart?"
"Well, I wake up in the morning, I have sex, then I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course."
"Then I bathe in the sun for a while and have sex again before lunch."
"In the afternoon, it's another romp around the golf course, more sex, then supper."
"After supper, I go back to the golf course until it gets dark and then I go off to bed. The next day, it starts all over again."
"Oh, Fred, you surely must be in heaven." "Not exactly, Darling, I'm a rabbit in Suffolk !"

Glasgow airport is at a place called Abbottsinch.

A Scottish Poem...

~OR~

As Burns might have put it...

Twas doon by the inch o' Abbots
Oor Johnny walked one day
When he saw a sicht that troubled him
Far more than he could say.

A fanatic muslim bastard
Wiz doin what he had planned
And intae Glesca's departure hall
A Cherokee he'd rammed.

A big Glaswegian polis
Came forward tae assist
He thocht a wumman driver
Or at least someone half-pissed...

But to his shock nae drunken Jock
Emerged to grasp his hand
But a flamin Arab loony
Frae Al Qaeda's outlawed band

The mad Islamist nut-case
Had set himself on fire
And swung oot at the polis
GBH his clear desire

Now that's no richt oor Johnny cried
And sallied intae the fray
A left hook and a heid butt
Was required tae save the day.

Now listen up Bin Laden
Yir sort's no wanted here
For imported English radicals
Us Scoatsmen hiv nae fear

Oor hame grown Glesca Asians
Will have nae bluidy truck
So tak yer worldwide jihad
An get yersel tae F*CK!!!!

I suppose that this is a very personal question when it concerns body parts.

Personally, when I am dead they can have any bits that are left in good condition, looking back over my life, that won't be too many, they won't do me any good any longer.

Some, may have religious or other personal reasons and would wish to "opt out", with the strength of their belief that would not be to onerous a task.

Very soon now, and believe me, I just bet that there have been talks in secret meetings already, our beloved political party leaders will forget all their arguments and be announcing the best way to finance future elections, this will certainly involve stealing money from tax payers, and, theft it will be.

Will we be "allowed" to have a referendum on this major change? Will we be able to "opt out"? Will we hell.

O K, there are about 40 million available votes, 50 pence a head, total £20 million, that sounds about right, now how many party's?

Tory, Lab, Lib, SNP, Comms, Ukip, Bnp, Green, Dem U, Plaid, Sdlp, Sinn, G'peace, etc, etc, etc, and on this site http://www.psr.keele.ac.uk/parties.htm you can find 130 more.

So, it's £20 million divided by 150, plus the new party that I intend to start, that's about £133,000 each, the BNP will love that gift.

It seems a long time ago but it was only on Friday when I heard on the news that there were to be no charges over the "Sale of honours" investigation, surprise surprise. Did anyone ever think that there would be?

The Tory party had come 4th in the elections, that was a bit of a surprise especially as one of their candidates was that special that he had only joined the party the week before and that after presenting the Labour party with a cheque for nearly £5 thousand.

The doctor that suggested that the triple jag maybe harmful was found guilty, that will teach him, he will not argue with the politicians again, ignoring the fact that Blair could not honestly state that his son had been given it and no opposition members dared to question this, of course not, they had all known that there were doubts over it and protected their own kids by paying for the single single jag.

A passing thought, One third of the earth is desert. The ice bergs are melting and our coast line will disappear. Why not build giant canals in the desert to take up the excess water and at the same time irrigate the land

A new technical innovation from the best computer writers in the world have managed to produce this exciting new website.

http://www.slabearkazad.com:80/sniff/

Yes you've probably worked it out! I've been tagged by la_spice
Q1. There are crumbs in your bed. What kind of cookies do those crumbs come from?
A1. I don’t know but I will ask her
Q2. You are sitting on the toilet brushing your teeth cos you are hungover as normal. What got you that drunk?
A2. The first glass of the third bottle of “Banrock Station” chardonnay.
Q3. You have been dumped. What comfort food do you grab?
A3. If that ever happens to me I will let you know, but probably three bottles of chardonnay.
Q4. Your wife/husband has annoyed you off so you decide to go have an expensive gourmet meal on his/her credit card. What do you order?
A4. That would be my chance to try Ramsay’s cooking, and then tell him it was rubbish.
Q5. Sitting in church and you have a book/magazine tucked inside the hymn sheet. What is it?
A5. 1001 uses for old matchsticks.

Now I tag, mkfunky , happy28 ,evelynsmith, murphymole ,franpal .

Post your answers and tag a further 5, let them know that they have been tagged.

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs
to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. Many
females use a date rape drug on the market called "Beer." The drug is found in liquid form
and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large "kegs." Beer is used by
female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go
home and sleep with them. A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of
Beer and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex.
Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several beers, men
will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women
whom they awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before,
often with just a vague feeling that "something bad" occurred.
At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as "a relationship." In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a
longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage." Men are much more susceptible to this scam after beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.
Please! Forward this warning to every male you know. If you fall victim
to this "Beer" scam and the women administering it, there are male support
groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with
similarly victimized men. For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf
Courses" in the phone book.

Oh bloody hell, What have I done? I don't want a picture of Cornish Sardines, I want my little pic of "The Rocker" back.

Heeeeeeeeeeeelp, somebody, please.

I am not too proud to ask my friends and any visitor for a definitive answer to my problem and I am sure that you can help.

You know in the cutlery draw that there is a little tray, and the tray has one small section at the bottom, obviously for tea spoons and butter knifes, I think that we would all agree on that.

Above this small section there are three larger sections, and , hopefully, we will agree that these are for knives, forks and dessert spoons.

Now the question is, From left to right in what order should these items be?

I truly believe that it should be knives, forks, spoons, but, my Lady Friend is adamant that the order should be forks, knives and spoons.

To complicate the matter, my wife always insisted on spoons, forks and knives, and as she had them that way, they remain that way.

As I am a helpful sort of fella I volunteer to empty the dish washer for my L F but mix up the cutlery when returning it to the little tray, mainly because I do it without paying much attention as I know where the things should be, but, the Lady, opens the draw without looking, reaches for the item she requires without looking, and comes out with the wrong item.

Somewhere in this great computer world the answer must exist, but where is it? and, What is it?

Yesterday was the funeral of George Melly. He was carried to his final resting place in a coffin made of cardboard, on the sides his friends had painted cartoon pictures, there was a fishing line attached to the coffin, he loved his angling, and a jazz band played.

Earlier in the week, on the BBC TV, there was a hour where Bernard Manning presented his own funeral, filmed shortly before he died, pity that it was on so late but the language used decreed that. We were shown a different side to the man, a man that the public didn't know.

This is the passing of two "Characters", maybe you liked them, maybe you didn't, but, in these days of Political Correctness we need "Characters" to touch our lives.

Are there any "Characters" today?

Woke up to sunshine, I don't wake up too early, no need, plans made, cut grass this afternoon, there is a lot of it.

Morning taken up with housework, shopping, and bed changing. Lunch at 12.30 whilst watching the interesting bit of Bargain Hunt, the bit where the auctioneer says what they are worth and the auction to see if he knew what he was talking about.

1.05pm, hover mower and strimmer out, 1.10pm rain starts, put mower and strimmer away, between showers take a couple of pictures in my garden.

>>>A very sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that
>>>she wants her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were
>>>loose and flapping.Out of embarrassment, she insisted that the
>>>surgery be kept a secret, and the surgeon agreed
>>>
>>>
>>>Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery, she found three roses carefully placed beside her on the bed.
>>>
>>>Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor."I thought I
asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!"
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish
>>>for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him.
>>>
"I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself."
>>>
>>>The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and empathized because she had the same procedure done some time ago."
>>>
>>>
>>>"And what about the third rose?" she asked.
>>>
>>>
>>>"Oh, that rose is from a guy upstairs in the burn unit. He
>>>wanted to thank you for his new ears

1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height.
Let the doctors worry about them. That is why you pay "them."

2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.

3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening,
whatever. Never let the brain idle. "An idle mind is the devil's workshop." And the devil's name is Alzheimer's.

4. Enjoy the simple things.

5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.

6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person, who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive.

7. Surround yourself with what you love , whether it's family, pets,
keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge .

8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable,improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.

9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, even to the next
county; to a foreign country but NOT to where the guilt is.

10. Tell the people you love that you love them , at every opportunity.

AND ALWAYS REMEMBER :
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments
that take our breath away.

It's important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

My name is Bob. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Linda.

When I took "early retirement" last year, it became necessary for Linda to get a full-time job along with her part time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed.

Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf course about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club, so eating-out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door.

Linda used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for
better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch-it-out over two, or even three, days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly-squeezed lemonade, and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Linda. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact with and voice less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.

Signed, Bob

EDITOR'S NOTE: Bob Cira died suddenly on April 27th. The police report says that he was found with a Calloway extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club rammed-up his ass, with only 2-inches of grip showing. His wife, Linda, was arrested and charged with murder.
However, the all-woman jury found her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that he'd accidentally "sat-down" on it.

I am very lucky, if I drive South, less than half an hour from my house by car and I am at the sea side, the Ayrshire coast. Less than one hour, if I go North and I am at the Gateway to the Highlands.

The weather has been so poor lately that my Lady Friend and I decided, regardless to the weather we would go out on Wednesday, and, take a picnic.

We drove North West the road to Loch Lomond until we heard the reference to the Scottish Golf Open at the Loch Lomond course, we quickly turned right and headed North to Aberfoyle, a small village under the shadow of The Trossachs.

"Views of Ben Lomond from Aberfoyle, a bustling village in rural west Stirlingshire, hint at the spectacular scenery to be found beyond, and at the Heart of Loch Lomond and The Trossachs National Park.

Along B829, a necklace of lochs, crystal clear rivers - this is the cradle of the River Forth, tumbling streams, verdant forests and windswept moorland offer a rich variety of habitats for a wealth flora and fauna."

From the website,http://www.visitaberfoyle.com/

The sun shone beautifully, life is good when the sun shines and you are with someone that you want to be with.

We also fed the wee birds.

I received this in an e-mail, unlike many of these type of "chain" mails, this has a ring of truth about it.

This is a poem written by a teenager with cancer.

She wants to see how many people get her poem.

It is quite the poem. Please pass it on.

This poem was written by a terminally ill young girl in a New York Hospital .

It was sent by a medical doctor.

Make sure to read what is in the closing statement AFTER THE POEM.

SLOW DANCE.

Have you ever watched kids

On a merry-go-round?

Or listened to the rain

Slapping on the ground?

Ever followed a butterfly's erratic flight?

Or gazed at the sun into the fading night?

You better slow down.

Don't dance so fast.

Time is short.

The music won't last.

Do you run through each day

On the fly?

When you ask How are you?

Do you hear the reply?

When the day is done!

Do you lie in your bed

With the next hundred chores

Running through your head?

You'd better slow down

Don't dance so fast.

Time is short.

The music won't last.

Ever told your child,

We'll do it tomorrow?

And in your haste,

Not see his sorrow?

Ever lost touch,

Let a good friendship die

Cause you never had time

To call and say,"Hi"

You'd better slow down.

Don't dance so fast.

Time is short.

The music won't last.

When you run so fast to get somewhere

You miss half the fun of getting there.

When you worry and hurry through your day,

It is like an unopened gift....

Thrown away.

Life is not a race.

Do take it slower

Hear the music

Before the song is over.

--------------------

FORWARDED E-MAILS ARE TRACKED TO OBTAIN THE TOTAL COUNT.

Dear All:

PLEASE pass this mail on to everyone you know - even to those you don't know! It is the request of a special girl who will soon leave this world due to cancer.

This young girl has 6 months left to live, and as her dying wish, she wanted to send a letter telling everyone to live their life to the fullest, since she never will.

She'll never make it to prom, graduate from high school, or get married and have a family of her own. By you sending this to as many people as possible, you can give her and her family a little hope, because with every name that this is sent to, The American Cancer Society will donate 3 cents per name to her treatment and recovery plan. One guy sent this to 500 people! So I know that we can at least send it to 5 or 6. It's not even your money, just your time!

PLEASE PASS ON AS A LAST REQUEST.

I would be happy to forward the original e-mail too anyone that would like it, just let me know.

>
>Three lassies all worked in the same Glasgow office with the same female
>boss. Every day, they noticed their boss left work early.
>
>
>
>One day, they decided that when the boss left, they'd leave right behind
>her. After all, she never called in or came back to the office when she left
>
>early, so how was she to know.
>
>
>
>The next day, they all three left the office right after the boss left.
>
>
>
>The first lassie, Elspeth fae Newton Mearns, was elated to be able to get in
>
>a quick workout at the health club before meeting her dinner date.
>
>
>
>The second, Siobhan fae Kelvingrove, was thrilled to be home early. She did
>a little gardening and went to bed early.
>
>
>
>The third, wee Senga fae Partick was happy, happy, happy to be home, but
>when she got to the bedroom she heard a muffled noise from inside.
>
>
>
>Slowly, quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her
>husband in bed with HER BOSS.Ever so gently, she closed the door and crept
>out of her house.
>
>
>
>The next day at coffee break, Elspeth and Siobhan decided they were leaving
>early again, and asked wee Senga if she was coming with them.
>
>
>
>"No f***in way," she exclaimed, "I nearly got caught yesterday"