I now this is quite old but for those that haven't seen it it's quite funny.
MAKING A BABY...

There is not one dirty word in it, and it is funny.
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a
surrogate father to start their family.
On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife
goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now; the man should be here soon."
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer
happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.
Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to...''
Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been
expecting you."
"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did
you know babies are my specialty?"
"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and
have a seat"
After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on
the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living
room floor is fun. You can really spread out there."
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry
and me!"
"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if
we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles,
I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"My, that's a lot!" gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to
be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."
"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of
his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.
"Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider
their mother was so difficult to work with."
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so I finally had to take her to the park to get the
job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look."
"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours,
too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly
concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots.
Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on
your, uh ...equipment?"
"It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away."
"Tripod?"
"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's
much too big to be held in the hand very long."
Mrs. Smith fainted

After living in the remote wilderness of Kentucky all his life, an old hillbilly decided it was time to visit the big city.

In one of the stores he picks up a mirror and looks in it. Not ever having seen one before, he remarked at the image staring back at him, "How about that! Here's a picture of my daddy."

He bought the mirror thinking it was a picture of his daddy, but on the way home he remembered his wife, didn't like his father. So he hung it in the barn, and every morning before leaving for the fields, he would go there and look at it.

His wife began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn.

One day after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror.

As she looked into the glass, she fumed, "So that's the ugly bitch he's runnin' around with."

A very loud, unattractive, hard-faced woman walks into Tesco with her
two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the
entrance.

The door greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Tesco, nice children
you've got there. Are they twins?"

The fat ugly woman stops screaming long enough to snarl: "Of course they
bloody aren't! The oldest is nine and the youngest is seven. Why the
hell would you think they're twins?..... Do you really think they look
alike, you stupid d**khead?"

"Absolutely not," replies the greeter, "I just can't believe anyone
would shag you twice!"

"Hello, and welcome to the mental health helpline.

"If you are an obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

"If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

"If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

"If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

"If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.

"If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

"If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.

"If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969.

"If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on the line.

"If you have amnesia press 8 and state your name, address, phone, date of birth, NI number, your mother's maiden name, where you were this time last week, and the week before, the last five US Presidents and the capital of every former British Colony.

"If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.

"If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep, or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

"If you have short-term memory loss, press 9 If you have short-term memory loss, press 9 If you have short-term memory loss, press 9 If you have short-term memory loss, press 9

"If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you."

-If you have seen this joke before, press the back button.

Irish Maths Test
 
An Irishman applied for a job on a construction site, but the foreman wouldn't hire him until he passed a simple maths test.
Here is your first question, the foreman said.  "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."
"Without numbers?"  The Irishman says, "Dat is easy," and proceeded to draw three trees.
 
"What's this?" the boss asked.

"Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine," said the Irishman.
"Fair enough," said the boss.  "Here's your second question.  Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."
The Irishman stared into space for a while, then picked up the picture that he has just drawn and made a smudge on each tree. "Ere you go."

The boss scratched his head and said, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"

"Each of da trees is dirty now.  So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree.  Dat is 99."
The boss was getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Irishman, so he said, "All right, last question.  Same rules again, but represent the number 100."
The  Irishman stared into space some more, then he picked up the picture again and made a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go.  One hundred."

The boss looked at the attempt.  "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"

The  Irishman leaned forward and pointed to the marks at the base of each tree and said, "A little dog came along and crapped by each tree.  So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes one hundred."
"So, when do I start?"

Once again I have to apologize to all Irish persons, (this is becoming a habit )