A blonde, goes to her local pet store in search of an exotic pet. As she
looks about the store, she notices a box full of live frogs.

The sign says: "Sex Frogs! Only £20 each! Comes with complete instructions."

The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her. She
whispers softly to the man behind the counter, "I'll take one."

As the man packages the frog, he quietly says to her, Just follow the
instructions!"
The blonde nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home.
As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she opens the instructions
and reads them very carefully. She does exactly what is specified:

1. Take a shower
2. Splash on some nice perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy nightie.
4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you and allow the frog to
do what he has been trained to do.
She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and to her surprise nothing
happens! The blonde is very disappointed and quite upset at this point.

She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it
says, "If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store."

So, she calls the pet store. The man says, "I'll be right over."
Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The blonde welcomes him in
and says, "See, I've done everything
according to the instructions. The damn frog just sits there."
The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly into its
eyes and sternly says: "Listen to me! I'm only going to show you how to do
this one more time..................................................!"

For those that don't know, as I didn't before I was told, the name of this small town is pronounced, Straven, don't ask, I don't know.

Wednesday started with my view from the window, the ground was white with frost, goodbye garden flowers, but very soon the sun shone through and, in the sunshine, it was quite warm.

I drove Hazel as she was going to put her signature on the paperwork for the sale of her salon, it was sad for her after more than twenty years since she took over the empty premises, lots of memories, it's a kind of grieving.

Strathaven is a small country town in Lanarkshire, about 15 miles from Glasgow, dates back to the 13th century and the main source of income for the town through the 18th and 19th century was handloom weaving.

General view of the town centre called, Common Green. In the centre of the picture can be seen the castle tower.

Detail from previous picture, no date known.

Again, no date known for this building but is now a thriving Indian restuarent.

Rear view of hoses in Waterside Street.

Straven castle, also known as, Avondale Castle, 14th century.

Subject: Grandma and The Oranges!!
>
>
>Carol was a prostitute, but she didn't want her grandma to know.
>One day, the police raided a sex party at a hotel and arrested a whole
>group of prostitutes, Carol among them.
>
>The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes line up along
>the driveway when suddenly, Carol's grandma came by and saw her
>granddaughter standing in line.
>Grandma asked,
>"Why are you standing in line here, dear?"
>Not willing to let her grandmother know the truth, Carol told her
>grandmother that the policemen were there passing out free oranges and
>she was just lining up for some.
>"Why, that's awfully nice of them. I think I'll get some for myself,"
>and she proceeded to the back of the line.
>A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all of
>the prostitutes.
>When he got to Grandma, he was bewildered and exclaimed, "Wow, s till
>going at it at your age? How do you do it?"
>grandma replied...
>"I just take my dentures out, rip the skin back and suck them dry."
>The policeman fainted.

Subject: FW: ~ HELP !!! ~
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I NEED YOUR HELP!
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I'm trying

to find out

which B & Q

sells this mirror !!!
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http://www.blog.co.uk/user/prydwen/

"Most of my friends that comment on my blog have cause to say Happy Birthday today as we celebrate the emoticon coming of age."

Have you seen that lovely little advert on tele, for Anchor butter, I think.

The young man hands a buttercup to a young lady in a car, she in turn hands it to an older lady in a bus stop, who hands the buttercup to a young man getting on the bus, and he hands it to a young lady on the bus, it's lovely, all smiles and happiness.

Walking down to the shops today I thought, I'll try that.

The lady that was approaching me had a nice face, I bent down and plucked the plant from the grass verge, I thought for a moment that I could see the bright yellow petals reflected on her face, she smiled, and said, "Bugger off".

It may have been the fact that there are no buttercups around, I had to offer a dandelion.

*Once upon a time there lived a king. The King had a beautiful daughter,
the Princess.
But the kingdom was a sad place.
There was no laughter, and no joy.
The problem was, that everything the Princess touched would melt.
No matter what, metal, wood, plastic...anything she touched would melt!!
Because of this, men were afraid of her.
Nobody would dare marry her.
The king despaired.
What could he do to help his beautiful daughter?
He consulted his wizards and magicians.
One wizard told the king, "If your daughter touches one thing that does
not melt in her hands, she will be cured."
The King was overjoyed. The next day, he held a competition. Any man who
could bring his daughter an object that would not melt at her touch,
would marry her and inherit the King's wealth.
Three young princes took up the challenge.
The first Prince brought a very hard alloy of titanium.
When the Princess touched it, it melted... The Prince went away sadly.
The second Prince brought a huge diamond, thinking that diamond is the
hardest substance in the world and will not melt.
But, alas, once the Princess touched it, it melted. He too went away
disappointed.
The third Prince approached. He told the Princess, "Put your hand in my
pocket and feel what is in there."
The Princess did as she was told, though she turned red.
She felt something hard. She held it in her hand...and it did not melt!!
The King was overjoyed!
Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed!
And the third Prince married the Princess and the both lived happily
ever after.
The question is?!?!?!?
What WAS the object in the Prince's pocket???
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They were M&M's, of course. THEY melt in your MOUTH, NOT in your HAND!!
(What were YOU thinking?)*

Of course I trust the newspapers, but, if I had £1 million pounds invested I believe that I would do just a little more than write to the Sunday Express.

It looks like my friends are making up a bunch of flowers, I would like to add a couple,

What a work of art by the script writers that wrote the words that Gordon Brown read out today, the letterbox leaflet pushers of the party will be delirious with delight, promise everything to everyone whilst managing to get God and Diana mentioned.

Two million affordable houses by 2010, that’s only 13,000 per week, no problem, and affordable? yes, say, £20,000 per year plus 3/4 times earnings, equals new houses at £60-80 thousand, presumably minimum 2 bed, looks good to me, but, impossible.

Neighbourhood police, that’s good, extra police, or from the already overstretched complement at the police station? Don’t think that I heard the answer to that.

“Education, my passion”. Didn’t I hear similar about ten years ago from a fellow named Tony Blair? and who has been working closely with him over the past ten years?

Immigrants that commit crimes will be sent back to their own country. (Except if you stab to death a teacher).

Etc, etc, etc.

Same old con men.

What a mess the U.K. Labour Party have got themselves into. They have lost their trump card.

Prime Minister Brown can't blame the last Government, he was part of it, Chancellor Darling can't blame the last Chancellor, he's his boss.

Now it gets interesting.

Messing about while there is nothing that I want to watch on the digital tele I came across a lot of BBC radio programmes, to be exact, eleven of them.

Fair enough, I can understand, Radio 1, Radio 2, Radio 3, Radio 4 and Radio five live, I even accept, World Service, but, 1 Xtra? what’s that all about, Five Live Sport?, it’s live, shove it on Five Live, BBC 6 Music?, it’s music, shove it on 1, 2, 3, or 4.

BBC 7? God only knows, I’m just certain that it will have it’s full complement of employees

BBC Asian Network? What’s this then? I’m sure that someone somewhere said that other nationalities coming to live in this country should learn English so that they may integrate with the people of this country.

What’s next?, BBC Polish Network, BBC Bulgarian Network.

Jacob, age 92, and Henrietta, age 89, are excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a Chemist. Jacob suggests they go in and speak to the pharmacist about things.

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"

The pharmacist answers "Yes".

Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"

Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"

Pharmacist:" All kinds."

Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis?"

Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jacob: "How about Viagra?"

Pharmacist: "Of course."

Jacob:" Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?"

Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety.....the works!"

Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, antidotes for Parkinson's Disease?"

Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

Finally Jacob ask the question :"Do you sell wheelchairs and walkers?"

Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes. Why do you ask? Is there something I can help you with?"

Jacob says to the pharmacist: "Well in that case we'd like to nominate your store as our Bridal Gift Registry."

There's this lady, she has a personal problem, and decides that she must go and see her doctor.

"Doctor", she says, "I have this problem, down there in my private parts, every time that it rains I get a soreness down there".

The doctor writes out a prescription and says, "I think this will help".

Two weeks later, the same problem, every time it rains she gets a soreness down there so she returns to the doctor. "I don't really know" says the doctor, "I will arrange for you to see a consultant

It was a BUPA hospital, so just a couple of days later she sees the consultant, "I have a problem down there in my private parts, every time it rains I have a soreness, when the rain stops it goes away".

The consultant says, "Lay back on the bed and I will have a look".

A couple of moments later he says, "A minor operation will put this right immediately", and he carries out the minor op.

A month later, many rainy days, and the lady has no problems with soreness, she is so impressed that she arranges an appointment with the consultant.

"Just wanted to thank you" she said, "I have no problems now, what did you actually do?".

"Cut two inches of the top of your wellie boots" said the consultant.

Thursday started well, raining, but that means that I do some housework, I only do it when it rains, why be in the house when the sun is shining, I love the sun, in one of my previous lives I was probably an Aztec.

Nikki, Nicola, my beautiful grand daughter, why does she print her name and put little circles over the two Is, ( that's also the name of a coffee bar in Soho that I was reminded of the other day ), anyway, Nikki is at uni on three days each week, there are two days at a primary school learning the job, Monday evenings it's college taking higher English, Tuesday, sat and Sunday working in Ladbrooks the bookies, Friday she goes out with her mates and gets, at least, a little "tiddly", it's ok, her mum is the manager at the pub.

Anyway, back to me, I reached over to get a pot out of the cupboard and my back "went", God, that's painful, of course I emitted a shriek, "What's happened?" said Nikki, "I've hurt my back", "Oh, that's a rotten thing to do", she then continues with the story of what some primary kid said to her.

Nikki goes home and I 'phone my lady friend. "Take Nurofen", not much sympathy there. "Do you want to come across and give me a massage", I say. "You couldn't rise to it" she says, I reply, " .....CENSORED......".

Friday I find a comfortable position on the settee after rubbing on the two preparations for sore backs, the first one freezes it and the second one not only stinks but, I believe, is burning a hole through my skin, I am just out of the bath that I had added half a bottle of cider vinegar to, and I am wearing a back support that is so tight that my stomach has been pushed up to my chest. No one has ever had pain as bad as this.

Saturday morning, I have got to go out for some milk, the truth is that it was cigarettes that I was desperate for but I wouldn't admit that.

There is a place in my town that is attended by disabled and mentally handicapped persons, with their helpers they are approaching me along the main street, they are laughing and joking with one another, they are living and enjoying their lives.

Now, I am ashamed of myself.

I dont know why it's built up quite so high but, I have over 650 deleted messages to get rid of on outlook express.

Question, Is there a quick way to delete the lot at the same time as I usually do it one at a time and it's going to take hours?

This is weird, do you see a giraffe emerge from the picture?

Julie Andrews turns 69 . To commemorate her 69th birthday on October
1,
actress/vocalist, Julie Andrews made a special appearance at
Manhattan's
Radio City Music Hall for the benefit of the AARP. One of the musical
numbers she performed was "My Favorite Things" from the legendary
movie
"Sound Of Music."
>
> Here are the lyrics she used:
>
> Maalox and nose drops and needles for knitting, Walkers and handrails
and
new dental fittings,
Bundles of magazines tied up in string, These are a few of my favorite
things.
>
> Cadillac's and cataracts, and hearing aids and glasses, Polident and
Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,
Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings, These are a few of my
favorite things.
>
> When the pipes leak, When the bones creak, When the knees go bad,
> I Simply remember my favorite things, And then I don't feel so bad.
>
> Hot tea and crumpets and corn pads for bunions, No spicy hot food or
food
cooked with onions,
Bathrobes and heating pads and hot meals they bring, These are a few of
my
favorite things.
>
> Back pains, confused brains, and no need for sinnin', Thin bones and
fractures and hair that is thinnin',
And we won't mention our short, shrunken frames, When we remember our
favorite things.
>
> When the joints ache, When the hips break, When the eyes grow dim,
> Then I remember the great life I've had, And then I don't feel so
bad.
>
> (Ms. Andrews received a standing ovation from the crowd that lasted
over
four minutes and repeated encores.)
>
> Please share Ms. Andrews' clever wit and humor with others who would
appreciate it.

There are 1001, or more, products on the market for ladies hair, obviously not enough as a new product has just been introduced at the remarkably low cost of £50 for a small pot.

There was some goobledygook about what the new product does, but, the main ingredient is bulls semen, yes, that's right, no need to check what I wrote, BULLS SEMEN !!!!!!

The mind boggles, well, mine does, and now it's going off in all sorts of tangents that I had better finish this post.

SOMETIMES IT'S BETTER TO HAVE A small ONE,
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What were you thinking?

A tourist walked into a Brighton curio/antique shop.

After looking around for a while, he noticed a very life-like bronze Statue
of a rat.

It had no price tag, but it was so striking that he decided to buy it
anyway.

He took it to the owner and said: "How much is this bronze rat?"

The owner replied: "It's £12 for the rat, and £100 for the story."

The tourist gave the owner his £12 and said: "I'll just take the rat, You
can keep the story."

As he walked off down the street, he noticed that a few real rats had
crawled out of the sewers and begun following him.

This was a little disconcerting, so he started to walk a little faster, but
within a couple of blocks the swarm of rats had grown to hundreds, and they
were all squealing and screeching in a very menacing way.

He increased his speed & ran on towards the beach, and as he ran, he Looked
behind him and saw the rats now numbered in their MILLIONS, and they were
running faster & faster.

By now very concerned, he ran to down the pier and threw the bronze Rat far
out into the water.

Amazingly, the millions of real rats jumped into the water after it and were
all drowned.

The man walked back to relate all this to the shop owner, who said : "Ah,
you've come back for the story then?"

"No," said the tourist, "I came back to see if you've got a bronze religious
bigot, a wine snob, a football hooligan....and anything French!"

Two Fife farmers, Tam and Shuie, are sitting in the Farmers bar,

drinking beer.

Tam turns to Shuie and says, "Ye ken fit? I'm tired o'gangin through
life
withoot an education. I'morn, I think I'll go doon to the community
college and sign up for some classes."

Shuie thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave.

The next day Tam goes down to the college and meets the Lecturer, who
signs him up for the four basic classes: maths, English, history, and
logic.

"Logic?" Tam says. "Fit's at?"

The Lecturer says, "I'll show you. Do you own a Strimmer?"

"Aye"

"Then logically because you own a Strimmer, I think that you have a
Garden."

"That's true, I dae huv a Garden."

"I'm not done," the Lecturer says. "Because you have a Garden, I think

logically that you would have a house."

"Aye, I dae huv a hoose."

"And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a

family."

"I huv a faimly."

"I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must
have a wife."

"Yer nae wrang!! I dae huv a wife!!"

"And because you have a wife, then logically you must be a
heterosexual."

"I am a heterosexual. That's amazin'!! You were able to find a' that
oot, jist 'cos I huv a strimmer."

Excited to take the class now, Tam shakes the Lecturers's hand and
leaves to meet Shuie at the pub.

He tells Shuie about his classes, how he is signed up for math,
English,
history and logic.

"Logic?" Shuie says, "Fit's at?"

Tam says, "I'll show ye. Do ye huv a strimmer?"

"No."

"Well then, yer a poof."

Scotland’s First Minister, Alex Salmon, will this week announce plans to boost the Scots by 40% from the present 5.1 million within the next ten years.

Mothers who give birth to the first child will be awarded a refrigerator with integral freezer. Further births will be rewarded with other items.

Alex said, “I have decided that something radical and effective must be done to improve the birth-rate, which currently stands at only a little over 1.5 per female. That figure is clearly unsustainable if we are to seriously better the economy“.

Details of the scheme, named the Conceiving4Scotland Initiative- and already dubbed, somewhat crudely, “Shagging for Salmon”- will be unveiled at Holyrood on Wednesday.

It is expected that the birth of a second child will be rewarded with a Breville sandwich toaster or similar, and a third child with an electric lawnmower or, if the parents live in a high rise, a low level, dual flush toilet.

It is believed Mr Salmond wanted to award a couples fourth child with a sports car, but was persuaded by the environmental lobby that a Toyota Prius hybrid would “send out the right message”.

As a further measure to promote the birth rate, following agreement with Westminster, a 23% tax on condoms will be introduced from next april.

Working women taking the pill will also be taxed at a higher rate to encourage them to bear children. The only stipulation is that the children must be conceived and born in Scotland, and each parent should have at least two grandparents of proven Scottish ancestry.

The scheme was backed by the Scottish Tories after Mr Salmond agreed that “single mums” must be age 12 or over.
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Taken in part from, HICKEY in the Scottish Daily Express.

e-mail: scot.hickey@express.co.uk

http://www.mediauk.com/newspapers/342251/scottish-daily-express

Shrub by Bothwell Castle.

Little Boxes made of ticky-tacky.