It's Me.

SOMETIMES IT'S BETTER TO HAVE A small ONE,
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What were you thinking?

A tourist walked into a Brighton curio/antique shop.

After looking around for a while, he noticed a very life-like bronze Statue
of a rat.

It had no price tag, but it was so striking that he decided to buy it
anyway.

He took it to the owner and said: "How much is this bronze rat?"

The owner replied: "It's £12 for the rat, and £100 for the story."

The tourist gave the owner his £12 and said: "I'll just take the rat, You
can keep the story."

As he walked off down the street, he noticed that a few real rats had
crawled out of the sewers and begun following him.

This was a little disconcerting, so he started to walk a little faster, but
within a couple of blocks the swarm of rats had grown to hundreds, and they
were all squealing and screeching in a very menacing way.

He increased his speed & ran on towards the beach, and as he ran, he Looked
behind him and saw the rats now numbered in their MILLIONS, and they were
running faster & faster.

By now very concerned, he ran to down the pier and threw the bronze Rat far
out into the water.

Amazingly, the millions of real rats jumped into the water after it and were
all drowned.

The man walked back to relate all this to the shop owner, who said : "Ah,
you've come back for the story then?"

"No," said the tourist, "I came back to see if you've got a bronze religious
bigot, a wine snob, a football hooligan....and anything French!"

Two Fife farmers, Tam and Shuie, are sitting in the Farmers bar,

drinking beer.

Tam turns to Shuie and says, "Ye ken fit? I'm tired o'gangin through
life
withoot an education. I'morn, I think I'll go doon to the community
college and sign up for some classes."

Shuie thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave.

The next day Tam goes down to the college and meets the Lecturer, who
signs him up for the four basic classes: maths, English, history, and
logic.

"Logic?" Tam says. "Fit's at?"

The Lecturer says, "I'll show you. Do you own a Strimmer?"

"Aye"

"Then logically because you own a Strimmer, I think that you have a
Garden."

"That's true, I dae huv a Garden."

"I'm not done," the Lecturer says. "Because you have a Garden, I think

logically that you would have a house."

"Aye, I dae huv a hoose."

"And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a

family."

"I huv a faimly."

"I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must
have a wife."

"Yer nae wrang!! I dae huv a wife!!"

"And because you have a wife, then logically you must be a
heterosexual."

"I am a heterosexual. That's amazin'!! You were able to find a' that
oot, jist 'cos I huv a strimmer."

Excited to take the class now, Tam shakes the Lecturers's hand and
leaves to meet Shuie at the pub.

He tells Shuie about his classes, how he is signed up for math,
English,
history and logic.

"Logic?" Shuie says, "Fit's at?"

Tam says, "I'll show ye. Do ye huv a strimmer?"

"No."

"Well then, yer a poof."

Scotland’s First Minister, Alex Salmon, will this week announce plans to boost the Scots by 40% from the present 5.1 million within the next ten years.

Mothers who give birth to the first child will be awarded a refrigerator with integral freezer. Further births will be rewarded with other items.

Alex said, “I have decided that something radical and effective must be done to improve the birth-rate, which currently stands at only a little over 1.5 per female. That figure is clearly unsustainable if we are to seriously better the economy“.

Details of the scheme, named the Conceiving4Scotland Initiative- and already dubbed, somewhat crudely, “Shagging for Salmon”- will be unveiled at Holyrood on Wednesday.

It is expected that the birth of a second child will be rewarded with a Breville sandwich toaster or similar, and a third child with an electric lawnmower or, if the parents live in a high rise, a low level, dual flush toilet.

It is believed Mr Salmond wanted to award a couples fourth child with a sports car, but was persuaded by the environmental lobby that a Toyota Prius hybrid would “send out the right message”.

As a further measure to promote the birth rate, following agreement with Westminster, a 23% tax on condoms will be introduced from next april.

Working women taking the pill will also be taxed at a higher rate to encourage them to bear children. The only stipulation is that the children must be conceived and born in Scotland, and each parent should have at least two grandparents of proven Scottish ancestry.

The scheme was backed by the Scottish Tories after Mr Salmond agreed that “single mums” must be age 12 or over.
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Taken in part from, HICKEY in the Scottish Daily Express.

e-mail: scot.hickey@express.co.uk

http://www.mediauk.com/newspapers/342251/scottish-daily-express