It's Me.

There's this lady, she has a personal problem, and decides that she must go and see her doctor.

"Doctor", she says, "I have this problem, down there in my private parts, every time that it rains I get a soreness down there".

The doctor writes out a prescription and says, "I think this will help".

Two weeks later, the same problem, every time it rains she gets a soreness down there so she returns to the doctor. "I don't really know" says the doctor, "I will arrange for you to see a consultant

It was a BUPA hospital, so just a couple of days later she sees the consultant, "I have a problem down there in my private parts, every time it rains I have a soreness, when the rain stops it goes away".

The consultant says, "Lay back on the bed and I will have a look".

A couple of moments later he says, "A minor operation will put this right immediately", and he carries out the minor op.

A month later, many rainy days, and the lady has no problems with soreness, she is so impressed that she arranges an appointment with the consultant.

"Just wanted to thank you" she said, "I have no problems now, what did you actually do?".

"Cut two inches of the top of your wellie boots" said the consultant.

Thursday started well, raining, but that means that I do some housework, I only do it when it rains, why be in the house when the sun is shining, I love the sun, in one of my previous lives I was probably an Aztec.

Nikki, Nicola, my beautiful grand daughter, why does she print her name and put little circles over the two Is, ( that's also the name of a coffee bar in Soho that I was reminded of the other day ), anyway, Nikki is at uni on three days each week, there are two days at a primary school learning the job, Monday evenings it's college taking higher English, Tuesday, sat and Sunday working in Ladbrooks the bookies, Friday she goes out with her mates and gets, at least, a little "tiddly", it's ok, her mum is the manager at the pub.

Anyway, back to me, I reached over to get a pot out of the cupboard and my back "went", God, that's painful, of course I emitted a shriek, "What's happened?" said Nikki, "I've hurt my back", "Oh, that's a rotten thing to do", she then continues with the story of what some primary kid said to her.

Nikki goes home and I 'phone my lady friend. "Take Nurofen", not much sympathy there. "Do you want to come across and give me a massage", I say. "You couldn't rise to it" she says, I reply, " .....CENSORED......".

Friday I find a comfortable position on the settee after rubbing on the two preparations for sore backs, the first one freezes it and the second one not only stinks but, I believe, is burning a hole through my skin, I am just out of the bath that I had added half a bottle of cider vinegar to, and I am wearing a back support that is so tight that my stomach has been pushed up to my chest. No one has ever had pain as bad as this.

Saturday morning, I have got to go out for some milk, the truth is that it was cigarettes that I was desperate for but I wouldn't admit that.

There is a place in my town that is attended by disabled and mentally handicapped persons, with their helpers they are approaching me along the main street, they are laughing and joking with one another, they are living and enjoying their lives.

Now, I am ashamed of myself.