As jenray, http://www.blog.co.uk/user/jenray/ is on holiday and won't be posting the usual jokes here is another one, but I can't keep it up all week, will need some help.

A Catholic priest and a nun were taking a rare afternoon off
and enjoying a round of golf.

The priest stepped up to the first tee and took a mighty swing.
He missed the ball entirely and said "Shit, I missed."

The good Sister told him to watch his language.

On his next swing, he missed again. "Shit, I missed."

"Father, I'm not going to play with you if you keep swearing,"
the nun said tartly.

The priest promised to do better and the round continued.

On the 4th tee, he misses again. The usual comment followed.

Sister is really mad now and says, "Father John, God is going to
strike you dead if you keep swearing like that."

On the next tee, Father John swings and misses again.
"Shit, I missed."

A terrible rumble is heard and a gigantic bolt of lightning comes
out of the sky and strikes Sister Marie dead in her tracks.

And from the sky comes a booming voice .......

"Shit, I missed."

> A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course,
> the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the
> biggest house adjacent to the course.

> The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go
> up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us."

> So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm
> voice said, "Come on in." When they opened the door they saw the damage
> that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the pieces of window glass.

> A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my
> window"

> "Uh...yeah! , sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.

> "Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, 'm
> a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now
> that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give
> you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for my
> self."

> Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted
> out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."

> "No problem," said the genie "You've got it, it's the least can do. And
> I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!"

> "And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked. "I'd like
> to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the
> world, "she said.

"Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe
> from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"
>
> "And! Now," the couple asked in unison,
>
> "What's your wish, genie?"

> "Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, and haven't been with a
> woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your
> wife."

> The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both
> now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"

> She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right.
>
> Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about
> you, honey?"

> You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. I'd do the same for
> you!"

> So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of
> the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, how old are you and your husband?"

> "Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly. "No Kidding," he
> said.
>
>
>
> "Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?"

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper .
He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a London lawyer
from London and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock
cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense!!

Glasgow cop says,' License and registration, please.'
London Lawyer says, 'What for?'
Glasgow cop says, 'You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign.'
London Lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.'
Glasgow cop says, 'You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and
registration, please.'
London Lawyer says, 'What's the difference?'
Glasgow cop says, 'The difference is, you have to come to complete stop,
that's the law. License and registration, please!'
London Lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between slow
down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you
give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the
ticket.'
Glasgow cop says, 'Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir.'

The London Lawyer exits his vehicle. The Glasgow cop takes out his baton
and starts beating the F__K out of the lawyer and says,
'Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?'

As some of you will know I have a website that is an attempt to help during the period after the loss of a loved one. I receive e-mails from visitors, example below, I attempt to give answers, my big worry is, Are my answers right or wrong? Do I do more harm than good?

Your opinion would be helpful.

Dear Trevor,

I really miss his company, his affection, his sense of humour and his big hug.
When I was grumpy and upset, he just gave me a big hug with kiss.
I felt much better and happy again.

I miss talking to him. We could talk about anything for a long time just like a teenage girl friend and boy friend.

Now, it is silent and empty. I need somebody to talk to face to face.
I need real people. I thought I could live with his memories for a long long time.
I guess I was completely wrong.

It is tough and painful. It is getting tougher and tougher.
It doesn't get any better . Life is so cruel. I feel alone and lonely.

I can't go out to start drinking just hope to find somebody.
I don't want to put on make up and get dressed just to impress somebody.
It is not me. I haven't thought about the other guys. I thought he is the only one in my life until the end. Now I am scared to go out to make friends and meet other guys.
I don't even know whether I can trust them or not.

Do you think I should go out to look for somebody?
It doesn't sound good. It's been only 3 months.
How come I even think about this kind of stupid idea?
I feel so ashamed and and guilty.

Am I getting crazy and desperate? I feel so pathetic.
I am so ashamed of myself. +++++++

My reply.

Dear ++++++

Let me tell you a true story. About three months after my wife died, a Friday evening, my three sons called around, they said, "Get dressed, we are taking you to the karaoke at the pub".

I love singing, and I was pretty good, and I didn't look to bad. After I had sung a couple of songs and was sitting down with my sons a lady came and sat next to me, we said hello and chatted for a while, she rested her hand on my arm at one point and ( you will understand what I mean ), I felt a stirring.

I wasn't supposed to hear, but, one of my sons whispered in her ear that I had just lost my wife, the lady stood up and apologised and walked away. I went home alone to an empty house, and I was angry.

What can you learn from that?

The normal urges of the body are natural, it does not imply that you want a sexual act, but it does say that you need the comfort of arms of someone around you, someone to make you feel safe again, where, for a moment, you can forget.

A few days after that night in the pub I silently said thanks to my son, I was not ready and I would have had a further reason for hating myself.

But, that's only me, we are all different, 3 months, 6 months, a year, it's a personal thing, and when it happens there is no reason for feeling ashamed or guilty.

+++++, have a look at the site, http://askoranswer.blogspot.com/
It is a site where I try to answer the problems that some people don't feel able to ask, it may help.

The two of you were never able to speak about the time that would come when one of you had to leave, why should you have done, it was too early and you should have had many more years together. Life is unfair, and it is toughest on the one that is left behind, but, if it had been you that had to leave ++++++ behind would you have wanted him to be miserable for the rest of his life, of course not, and I am sure that he would not have wished that on you.

Have a look at that website, remember, It is just a personal view, I may be wrong, but, these things worked for me.

Please look after your self, do you take anti depressants that a doctor could prescribe? They can be some help taken for a short period remembering that long term depression can be very dangerous.

Remember ++++++, your feelings and doubts are all very normal.

Trevor. www.wordscanhelp.co.uk

My friends do a lot of posting and it has taken me a while to catch up after a long week-end at Hazel's, she doesn't have a computer.

La_Spice, http://www.blog.co.uk/user/la_spice/ wrote a blog about the week ends and the Monday morning feeling but they don't mean much to me, when you don't work all days are much the same and trying to get into the spirit that was there when a bank holiday came up is impossible, that's a pity.

I think that it was Irish, http://www.blog.co.uk/user/irish-le-feaux/ that had mentioned that petrol was going up so I nipped in to the filling station and saw this,

I think that it's a Riley.

marvo, http://www.blog.co.uk/user/marvo/ admitted to owning a copy of Gilbert O'Sullivan's record, "Alone Again Naturally", if I said, "Never heard of it" I would be lying, I certainly wouldn't admit to some of the music that I have, let's just say I liked it at the time.

Ann, http://www.blog.co.uk/user/annbradley/ had a cracking post, "Laugh for today" well worth looking at.

I will end with a bit of humour that arrived via e-mail,

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? (written by kids)

You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. -- Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
-- Kristen, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
-- Camille, age 10

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
-- Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids.
-- Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
-- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)

On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
-- Martin, age 10

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
-- Craig, age 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
When they're rich.
-- Pam, age 7

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
- - Curt, age 7

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
- - Howard, age 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
-- Anita, age 9 (bless you child )

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
-- Kelvin, age 8

And the #1 Favorite is........
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck.
-- Ricky, age 10