Glasgow Tony was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."

Glasgow Tony replied, "You know, my grandfather lived to be 107 years old."

The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"

Glasgow Tony answered, "No, he minded his own f*cking business.

A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.

"I don't want to know," the child said, bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me."

Confused, the father asked what was wrong.

The boy sobbed,

"When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech.
At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech.
When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech.
If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for."

Dear Deirdre,
I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice. I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs. phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up.
My wife has been going out with 'the girls' a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, 'Just some friends from work, you don't know them.' I always try to stay awake to look out for her coming home, but I usually fall asleep.
Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her. Around midnight, I decided to hide in the garage behind my golf clubs so I could get a good view of the whole street when she arrived home from a night out with 'the girls'. When she got out of the car she was buttoning up her blouse, which was open, and she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.
It was at that moment, crouching behind my clubs, that I noticed that the graphite shaft on my driver appeared to have a hairline crack right by the club head.
Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the pro shop where I bought it?
Confused Husband

HOW TO TELL THE SEX OF A BIRD

This Is AMAZING!!!

Until now I never fully understood how to tell The difference Between Male and Female Birds. I always thought it had to be determined surgically.

Until Now.

Which of The Two Birds Is a Female??? Below are Two Birds. Study them closely...See If You Can Spot Which of The Two Is The Female.

It can be done. Even by one with limited bird watching skills.

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Subject: FW: The Breast Cancer site

A favor to ask, it only takes a minute....

Please tell ten friends to tell ten today! The Breast Cancer site is having trouble getting enough people to click on their site daily to meet their quota of donating at least one free mammogram a day to an underprivileged woman. It takes less than a minute to go to their site and click on 'donating a mammogram' for free (pink window in the middle).

This doesn't cost you a thing. Their corporate sponsors /advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate mammogram in exchange for advertising.

Here's the web site! Pass it along to people you know.

http://www.thebreastcancersite.com/

AGAIN, PLEASE TELL 10 FRIENDS TO TELL 10 TODAY

Subject: Common Sense.
London Times Obituary of the late Mr. Common Sense

'Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense,
who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old
he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic
red tape.

He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:

Knowing when to come in out of the rain;
why the early bird gets the worm;
Life isn't always fair; and maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not
children, are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but
overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old
boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens
suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his
condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing
the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an Elastoplast to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became
contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received
better treatment than their victims. Common Sense took a beating
when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home
and the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a
little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust;
his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son,
Reason. He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers;

I Know My Rights,
I Want It Now,
It's Not My Fault, and
I'm A Victim.

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.
If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority
and do nothing.'

And a little extra........................

Can you imagine working for a company that has a little more than
600 employees and has the following statistics?

29 have been accused of spouse abuse, 7 have been arrested for
fraud, 19 have been accused of writing bad cheques, 117 have
directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses, 3 have done
time for assault, 71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit, 4
have been arrested on drug-related charges, 8 have been arrested for
shoplifting, 21 are currently defendants in lawsuits, 84 have been
arrested for drink driving in the last year.

Which organization is this?

It's the 635 members of the House of Commons, the same group that
cranks out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the rest
of us in line.

I rest my case.

Morning all, once again I have managed to catch up with my friends posts, there seems to be so much to do at the moment, wear and tear to my chimney, now repaired, £1.000, so I am now pulling down the part of the bedroom ceiling that was damaged, you know what, it's bloody hard trying to screw new ceiling boards up whilst balancing them on your head standing on a pair of steps, one step makes you too low and the next step makes you too high, so use the lower step with a couple of thick books to make up the difference in hight, get the first two screws in and that holds it in place while you take a rest and an asprin.

I have now read La_Spice poetry comp entries, http://myplace2.blog.co.uk/2007/10/13/the_nightmare_has_begun~3127591
My congratulations to all the entrants, first class poetry from all, my poem got to two lines and then I got stuck, I couldn't find a word to rhyme with "disequilibrium", not that I was using the word, I was just looking for something to rhyme, and wasted more time when I couldn't decide if "Ghoulies" was a real word.

There are a lot of my friends with personal problems at the moment, they are posts that are sad to read, I comment when I think that I may have something to say that will help, I am not brilliant at doing that, getting those thoughts down on the post, I'm a little scared that I may inadvertently say the wrong thing or that it may not convey my real thoughts. Many of the problems are family problems, problems thrust upon them, and because it's family they become their problems, some have personal problems and have difficult periods of their own, I hope that by posting a word or two on this site helps, it's said, a problem shared is a problem halved, I think that it is safe to say of my friends that we do care and would help where we feel able with a few words.

The rain has stopped, there are some blue bits up there and a weak sun is shining, looks like I can get back to hacking the unwanted extra growth on the many shrubs in the garden, I like the tidying up bit at this time of year, also must contact a plasterer to re-do the ceiling, go and get some messages, that's "food shopping" in Glaswegian, and the washing machine has just finished so throw the stuff in to the spin dryer.

To all my friends, and any other readers, have a good day.