Dear Sir,

I wish to apply for an operation to make me sterile. My reasons are
numerous, and after being married for 7 years and having 7 children I
have come to the conclusion that contraceptives are totally useless.

After getting married I was advised to use the 'Rhythm Method.'
Despite trying the Tango and the Samba, my wife fell pregnant and I
ruptured myself doing the Cha Cha Cha.

A doctor suggested using the 'Safe Period.' At the time we were
living with in-laws and had to wait for 3 weeks for a safe period
when the house was empty. Needless to say, this didn't work.

A lady of several years experience informed us that if we made love
whilst breast feeding we would be alright. It's hardly Newcastle
Brown Ale, but I did finish up with clear skin, silky hair and felt
very healthy, and my wife was pregnant.

Another old wives' tale we heard was that if my wife jumped up and
down after intercourse this would prevent pregnancy. After constant
breast feeding, including my earlier attempts, if my wife jumped up
and down she would finish up with two black eyes and eventually knock
herself unconscious.

I asked a chemist about the 'Sheath.' The chemist demonstrated how
easy it was to use, so I bought a packet. My wife fell pregnant
again, which doesn't really surprise me as I fail to see how a Trojan
stretched over the thumb, as the chemist showed, can prevent babies.

She was supplied with the 'Coil' and after several unsuccessful
attempts to fit it, we realized we had got a left hand thread and my
wife is definitely a right hand screw.

The 'Dutch Cap' came next; we were very hopeful of this as it did not
interfere with our sex life at all, but alas it did give my wife
severe headaches. We were given the largest size available but it was
still too tight across her forehead.

Finally we tried the 'Pill.' At first it kept falling out, then we
realized we were doing it wrong. My wife started putting it between
her knees, thus preventing me getting anywhere near her; this did
work for a while until the night she forgot the Pill.

You must appreciate my problem. If this operation is unsuccessful, I
will have to revert to oral sex, although just talking about it can
never substitute for the real thing.

Yours faithfully,