Yep, I know it's an old one, but,

Cinderella is now 95 years old.

After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship.

One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother
Cinderella said, "Fairy Godmother, what are
you doing here after all these years"?

The fairy godmother replied,
"Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you.
Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"

Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish:

"The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor. I'm living hand to mouth on my disability checks, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension.

Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold.

Cinderella said,
"Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother"

The fairy godmother replied,
"It is the least that I can do.
What do you want for your second wish?"

Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said,
"I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had."

At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside of her that had been dormant for years.

And then the fairy godmother spoke once more:
"You have one more wish; what shall it be?"

Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, "I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat,
into a kind and handsome young man."
Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.

The fairy godmother said,
"Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life."

With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity,
the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared.

For a few eerie moments,

Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes.

Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen.

Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, & held her close in his young muscular arms.

He leaned in close,
blowing her golden hair
with his warm breath
as he whispered...

"Bet you're sorry you neutered me."

How to tell if a Catholic is driving too fast

With deepest apologies if this offends you, but you have got to agree, it's funny.

"'Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted,

it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole,

because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.

In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol,

as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way,

regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.

That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

===============================================================

'When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk,

we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.

When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all

get drunk and go to heaven!'

~ Brian O'Rourke

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.

Help your self to coffee, there are biscuits in the tin marked, "These will make you fat"

What a day, six nice light blue pairs of y-fronts, they will match up very nicely with the blue jeans that I put in the washing machine with them.

The Hormone Guide

Women will understand this and the men should memorize it!

> > > Every woman knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his own hands! This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, co-worker or significant other!

The first answer is DANGEROUS: the second is SAFER: the third is SAFEST: and the fourth answer is ULTRA SAFE:

What's for dinner? Can I help you with dinner? Where would you like to go for dinner? Here, have some wine.

Are you wearing that? Wow, you sure look good in brown! WOW! Look at you! Here, have some wine

What are you so worked up about? Could we be overreacting? Here's my paycheck. Here, have some wine.

Should you be eating that? You know, there are a lot of apples left. Can I get you a piece of chocolate with that? Here, have some wine.

What did you DO all day? I hope you didn't over-do it today. I've always loved you in that robe! Here, have some wine .

13 THINGS THAT PMS STAND FOR.

1. Pass My Shotgun
2.. Psychotic Mood Shift
3.. Perpetual Munching Spree
4.. Puffy Mid-Section
5.. People Make me Sick
6.. Provide Me with Sweets
7.. Pardon My Sobbing
8.. Pimples May Surface
9. Pass My Sweat pants
10. Pissy Mood Syndrome
11. Plainly; Men Suck
12. Pack My Stuff
and my favourite one.
13. Potential Murder Suspect
Pass this on to all of your hormonal friends and those who might need a good laugh!
...Or men who need a warning.
> > >
> > > And remember: Money talks .... but Chocolate SINGS