Today was frosty and foggy, December weather I suppose.
The Dams, Barrhead, Glasgow.
I wonder, is this the gate that we all must go through one day, not quite sure what is in the distance.
That title to this post reminded me of some thing that us lads, so a million years ago, used to sing. We had a competition whilst riding our bikes, singing as loud as we could what we considered a very naughty song,
"I painted it, I painted it
up her belly and down her back
in every ........"
No, you will have to guess the rest. Anyway, it was the kitchen that I painted, it wasn't too bad but the ceiling showed the joins in the ceiling boards, B&Q had thick ceiling emulsion paint, now I have a sparkling white ceiling that shows the joins covered with plastic paint.
Turning my attention to the walls that now looked grubby, and knowing that I had some magnolia left over from a previous job, I set to work, opening the magnolia it didn't appear to be quite enough, I don't give in, I have a full tub of white emulsion, so add a bit, a good stir, now I have off-white, but, too similar to the ceiling, O K I have other stuff that I can add, a bit of Taupe, left over from the front bedroom, mix well, and stand back in amazement.
I now have a shade that doesn't even appear amid the thousands on the Dulux paint chart, "Trade colours for 2005", if it was there, it would probably be called, "Yuk".
The closest that you can get to this shade is probably that mess on the pavement outside the pub on a Sunday morning, often being eaten by seagulls.
Back to the paint, I did try a little test patch and when it dried to a shade that I am calling, "Light Yuk", I gave up on it. There was still enough white emulsion to do the walls, I now have a kitchen that looks like an operating theatre, when the light is on it can probably be seen from outer space, and on Christmas eve there may be a bright shining star hovering over it and shepherds and kings knocking on the door.
It will stay like that until next year, and in the mean time I will wear sunglasses.
Happy Christmas.
ATM MACHINE
A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:
'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.
Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.
After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed. Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender.'
*******
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.
*******
FEMALE PROCEDURE:
=
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.
SEND THIS TO A MAN WHO NEEDS A LAUGH AND TO THE LADIES YOU THINK CAN HANDLE IT!
