Peeping Tom
==================

This girl I know lives on the 4th floor of an apartment,

and even though it is a fairly good neighborhood,

she has been having trouble with a Peeping Tom that lives next door...

Every time she goes out on her balcony to catch a bit of sun while wearing

her bikini, this Peeping Tom looks over from his balcony as soon as she

removes her top, and stares at her...

She has complained to the superintendent about this Peeping Tom,

but he says she must have positive proof before he can do a thing --

She FINALLY got a picture of him while he was staring at her...

=
=
=
=
=
=
=
=
=
=
=
=
=
=
=

Like the rest of Britain I believe, very strong winds and sleet, now the electric light is flickering, not too bad as I have a gas stove and a gas fire, that reminds me, knew a fella once that said he had a "gas" refrigerator, I wonder how that worked.

We can still smile, here is a joke.

Good Advice

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

My name is Jeff. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Susie.

Since I retired several years ago, it has become necessary for Susie to get a full-time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed.

Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work.

Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door.

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Susie. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older.

However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.

Sincerely, Jeff

EDITOR'S NOTE:

Jeff died suddenly on March 1 of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing and a sledge hammer laying nearby.

His wife Susie was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 15 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defence that Jeff somehow, without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program. The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe with a sign around her neck.
She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, 'If you can catch me, I'm yours.'
Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.
He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing a skimpy running outfit, running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, 'If you catch me, I'm yours.'
Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.
Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program
'Are you sure?' asks the representative on the phone. 'This is our most rigorous program.'
'Absolutely,' he replies, 'I haven't felt this good in years.'
The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, 'If I catch you, you're mine.'
He lost 63 pounds that week.

ATTEMPTS AT THE RATIONAL APPROACH
=====================================

It isn’t in important situations
that I miss you.
There is always someone who will help
when the toilet floods
or the tiles blow down.
I’ve learnt to wire a plug,
put up a shelf, to improvise,
make do, or go without.

I have grown a hardened shell
to wear when walking on my own
into restaurants, theatres,
cinemas and bars.

I have grown accustomed
to causing an odd number,
being partner-less at parties,
disturbing symmetry.

Till suddenly I hear the name
of a place we used to visit,
see a snippet in the paper
about an old time friend
think up a silly pun
which you would understand.

I have learned new thoughts,
new skills, tested new ventures,
found diversion in a dozen
first time ways.

But when the car keys disappear
from where I left them,
when next doors prowling cat
finds an open window,
when the sugar-bowl slides off
the kitchen table
there is no one here to shout at
but myself.

This wonderful poem is by Edna Eglinton and is copied from,
The Nation’s Favourite Poems of Remembrance.
Published by BBC Books. http://www.bbcshop.com/page/home

The Sensitive Man.
=================

A woman meets a man in a bar.

They talk; they connect; they end
up leaving together.

They get back to his place,

and as he shows her around his
apartment.

She notices that one wall of his
bedroom is

completely filled with soft, sweet,
cuddly teddy bears.

There are three shelves in the
bedroom,

with hundreds and hundreds of cute,

cuddly teddy bears carefully placed
in rows, covering the entire wall!

It was obvious that he had taken
quite some time to lovingly arrange them

and she was immediately touched

by the amount of thought he had
put into organizing the display.

There were small bears all along
the bottom shelf,

medium-sized bears covering the
length of the middle shelf,

and huge, enormous bears running
all the way along the top shelf.

She found it strange for an
obviously masculine guy

to have such a large collection of
Teddy Bears,

She is quite impressed by his
sensitive side.

but doesn't mention this to him.

They share a bottle of wine and
continue talking and,

after awhile, she finds herself
thinking,

"Oh my God! Maybe, this guy
could be the one!

Maybe he could be the future
father of my children?"

She turns to him and kisses him
lightly on the lips

He responds warmly.

They continue to kiss, the passion
builds,

and he romantically lifts her in
his arms and carries her into his bedroom

where they rip off each other's
clothes and make hot, steamy love.

She is so overwhelmed that she
responds with more passion,

more creativity, more heat than she
has ever known.

After an intense, explosive night
of raw passion with this sensitive guy,

they are lying there together in
the afterglow.
The woman rolls over, gently
strokes his chest and asks coyly,

"Well,how was it?"

The guy gently smiles at her,

strokes her cheek,

looks deeply into her eyes,

and says:

"Help yourself to any prize

from the middle shelf"

Bloody lousy weather again, got to visit somewhere indoors. We in Glasgow are very lucky as we have several art galleries and museums, all free, The Kelvingrove Art Gallery and Musem reopened in 2006 after a £35 million restoration project and had 2 million visitors in the first year.

We visited the Burrell museum. Sir William Burrell left his collection of 9.000 items to the City of Glasgow in 1944, all Glasgow had to do was build the museum and they did that in 1983.

The building.

View of the entrance. This archway is from Hutton Castle where Sir William spent his later days.

Cameras are allowed in the museum but no flash photography.

There is a small collection of art, Monet, Whistler and others.

Back home went really native and had Haggis, Neeps and Totties for dinner.

Conundrum Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabeth went to the Pearly Gates on the same day.

They both met with an Angel to find out if they would be admitted to Heaven.

The angel said "Unfortunately, there's only one space in Heaven today so I must decide which of one of you will be admitted."

The Angel asked Dolly if there was some particular reason why she should go to Heaven.

Dolly took off her top and said, "Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity."

The Angel thanked Dolly, and asked Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth the same question.

The Queen walked over to a toilet, pulled the lever and flushes it without saying a word. The Angel immediately said, "OK, your Majesty, you may go into Heaven."

Dolly was outraged and asked, "What was that all about? I showed you two of God's own perfect creations and you turned me down.. She simply flushed a commode and she got admitted to Heaven! Would you explain that to me?

"Sorry, Dolly," said the Angel, "but even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair - no matter how big they are."

I COULDN'T CARE LESS ABOUT...............

I couldn't care less about, THESE THREE NEWSPAPERS,

(1).....The Sun

(2).....The Daily Mirror

(3).....The Star

What are yours?

I COULDN'T CARE LESS ABOUT...............

I couldn't care less about, THESE THREE PEOPLE,

(1).....Amy Whinehouse.

(2).....Paul Burrel.

(3)....Britney Spears.

What are yours?

Midday Monday, recovering from my long weekend of excesses, about 14 pages of my friends blogs to catch up on, but before I do that here is a bit of humour, too bloody close to the truth for some of us.

THIS IS HAPPENING RIGHT HERE IN OUR OWN
COUNTRY!

We Must Stop This Immediately !

Have you noticed that stairs are getting steeper . Groceries are heavier . And, everything is farther away. Yesterday I walked to the corner and I was
dumbfounded to discover how long our street had become!

And, you know, people are less considerate now,
especially the young ones. They speak in whispers all the time! If you ask them to speak up they just
keep repeating themselves, endlessly mouthing the same silent message until they're red in the face! What do they think I
am, a lip reader?

I also think they are much younger than I was at the
same age. On the other hand, people my own age are so much older than I am. I ran into an old friend the other day
and she has aged so much that she didn't even recognize me.

I got to thinking about the
poor dear while I was combing my hair this morning, and in doing so, I
glanced at my own reflection . . well, REALLY NOW - even mirrors are not made the way they used to be!

Another thing, everyone drives
so fast these days! You're risking life and limb if you happen to pull onto
the freeway in front of them. All I can say is, their brakes must wear out
awfully fast, the way I see them screech and swerve in my rear view mirror.

Clothing manufacturers are
less civilized these days. Why else would they suddenly start
labeling a size 10 or 12 dress as 18 or 20? Do they think no one notices?
The people who make bathroom scales are pulling the same prank. Do they think I actually
"believe" the number I see on that dial? HA! I would never let myself
weigh that much! Just who do these people think they're
fooling?

I'd like to call up someone in
authority to report what's going on -- but the telephone company is in on the conspiracy too: they've printed the
phone books in such small type that no one could ever find a number in
there!

All I can do is pass along this warning:
WE ARE UNDER ATTACK!

Unless something drastic
happens, pretty soon everyone will have to suffer these awful
indignities.

PLEASE PASS THIS ON TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW AS SOON AS POSSIBLE SO WE CAN
GET THIS CONSPIRACY STOPPED!

It is, gale force winds interspersed with heavy rain, I suppose that covers most of the country, at least I live up a hill so no chance of flooding, well if it did happen Glasgow, being down at sea level would be under 300 foot of water along with most of The Clyde Valley.

In the middle of ironing the ironing table collapsed, screws, springs and bits of plastic all over the kitchen floor, one good thing, I had nearly finished, only four pairs of socks to do. Away to B&Q to survey their vast selection, about 20, one level up on the rack, all the same type, different colour covers, one was blue, right at the back, and I wanted that one, didn't half annoy the assistant that had to get it down for me, I was tempted to say that I had changed my mind but he didn't look like he could take a joke.

Drilled holes in the large logs that I collected ready to slip in the mushroom spawn after I have half buried them in the garden, the mushroom spawn was a Christmas present, I was expecting a Wei from them.

Three one-liners, stupid yes, but so what,

Prices are going up since the European currency came along, you used to be able to spend a penny, but now it's called 'euronating'!

Why did the scarecrow get a bonus from his boss? Because he was out standing in his field.

How does the Pope cover his Ebay debts. A: Papal

Going out now, staying weekend at Hazels, means that I can have a drink or two, or three, or four as I won't have to drive home.

Have a good weekend all.

For the first time I have just watched this show.

Anyone out there like to comment on it?

I know that this is a little old but for those that have never read it you will get a wee smile at least.

TO ALL MY FRIENDS WHO WERE BORN IN THE
1940's
50's and 60's !

First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they carried us and lived in houses made of asbestos.

They took aspirin, loads of sugar and salt, ate blue cheese, raw egg products, bacon and processed meat, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes or heart disease.

Then after that trauma, our baby cribs were covered with bright colored lead-based paints.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets or shoes, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking!!!

As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags.

We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.

Take away food was limited to fish and chips, no pizza shops, McDonalds, KFC etc.

Even though all the shops closed at 6.00pm and didn't open on the weekends, somehow we didn't starve to death!

We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this.

We could collect old drink bottles and cash them in at the corner store and buy Wagon Wheels, Magowan’s Toffee and some straws to blow up frogs with.

We ate jam sandwiches on white bread and real butter and drank soft drinks with sugar in it, but we weren't overweight because......

WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!!

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on (unless we lived in the country).

No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K.

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. We built tree houses and played in river beds with matchbox cars.

We did not have Playstations, Nintendos, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 99 channels on TV, no video tape movies, no surround sound, no mobile phones, no personal computers, no Internet or Internet chat rooms..........WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!

We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents.

Only girls had pierced ears!

We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.

You could only buy Easter Eggs and Hot Cross Buns at Easter time.......no really!

We were given pellet guns and catapults for our 10th birthdays!!

We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just yelled for them!

Mum didn't have to go to work to help dad make ends meet!

RUGBY and CRICKET had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!! Getting into the team was based on MERIT AND NOT DUE TO BLACKMAIL, THREATS AND GUILT FROM THE PAST..... strange but true!

Our teachers used to belt us with big sticks and leather staps and bullies always ruled the playground at school.

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of.

They actually sided with the law!

Our parents didn't invent stupid names for their kids like 'Chelsea' and 'Chardonnay' and 'Peaches' and 'Vanilla'

This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever!

The past 70 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.

We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned HOW TO

DEAL WITH IT ALL!

And YOU are one of them!

CONGRATULATIONS!

You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated our lives for our own good.

And while you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave their parents were.

Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter came and took their drink order.

"I would like a Sprite," said the first little piggy.

"I would like a Coke," said the second little piggy.

"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy.

The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner.

"I want a nice big steak," said the first piggy.

"I would like the salad plate," said the second piggy.

"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy.

The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.

"I want a banana split," said the first piggy.

"I want a cheesecake," said the second piggy.

"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," exclaimed the third little piggy.

"Pardon me for asking," said the waiter to the third little piggy,"
But why have you only ordered beer all evening?"
=
=
=
=
=
You're gonna LOVE me for this....
=
=
=
=
=

The third piggy says -
"Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!

Continuing the theme from a previous post,

http://joebangles.blog.co.uk/2008/01/15/ladies_will_recognise_this~3581314

COCK SURE.

COCK-A-LEAKY SOUP.

I know, that's disguting, here is a smile,

HORROR MOVIE.

Good night all, but for some, good morning.

This was "Simon", the TOM cat kitten, now, "Nomis", cos it is a miss.

Even judges like kittens.

Well, you are normally the ones in the kitchen, peeling, making chips, etc,

I must have too much time on my hands,

STOP COCK.

WEE COCK SPARROW.

COCK EYED.

Any more suggestions?

The weather looked fine this morning, and at about 10.30 I decided that a walk down to the Main Street would do me good, take 30p with me and buy my daily paper.

Main Street at 10.45, paper in hand, feeling fit, a stroll around the outskirts of town, it will take a hour and a half or so, it will do me good.

11.30, furthest point from my house, and it starts to rain, and it rains and rains and rains. I'm OK, I'm in a bus shelter, a regular service that will drop me a couple of mins from my front door.

No money.

But, there is a public house just down the road!!!!

It's about time that I got some thing off my chest, and just between us friends, and, whispered very quietly, and this, mind you, was 55 years ago, I did, and now I am sorry to have to admit it, enter the back yard of the local pub, pick up a soda syphon, take it to the counter at the "Off Sales" and receive the deposit back. I know, it was theft.

I turned up my collar, put my head down, and walked home. It took me about 45 mins, I was soaked to the skin. It didn't kill me.

My God, the list for nominations is longer than the golden globes, the oscars, and deputy leader of the labour party, put together

Voting for top bloggers, top blogs and 20 other titles at,

http://thebloscars.blog.co.uk/2007/12/28/the_bloscars_come_early~3499089#comments

I have been at it for hours, hope that you are having a go.

I posted this a long time ago, I don't think that I had any friends then, it can still make me smile.

"Hello, Directory Enquiries".

Caller, "I'd like the number for the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff please".

Operator, "Sorry, there is no listing, is the spelling correct?".

Caller, "Well, it used to be called The Bargoed Fish Bar but the "B" fell off".

=====================================
Customer, "I've been ringing 0700 2300 for two days and can't get through, can you help?£.

Operator, "Where did you get that number from , sir?".

Customer, "It was on the door to the Travel Centre".

Operator, "Sir, they are the opening hours".

================================
Caller, "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"

Operator, "I'm sorry sir, I don't understand who you are talking about"

Caller, "On page 1, section 5, of your user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?".

Operator, "I think it means the telephone point on the wall".

Wonderfull Words.

I want to die while you love me
While yet you hold me fair
While laughter lies upon my lips
And lights are in my hair.

Georgia Douglas Johnson.

I know, I posted this a long time ago, but there may be new visitors to my blog.

My friend Debs sent me this,

----- NEED A LAUGH? !!!! I did.

These area actual writings from various hospital charts.

1. The patient refused an autopsy.

2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

6. 0n the second day, the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.

7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

9. Discharge status; alive but without permission.

10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year-old man, mentally alert but forgetful.

11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

12. She is numb from her toes down.

13. While in ER she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

14. The skin was moist and dry.

15. 0ccasional, constant infrequent headaches.

16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.

19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

21. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

23. Patient has two teenage children but no other abnormalities.

A few lines from, “Not Dead Enough” a book by Peter James, http://www.peterjames.com available from Pan Books, http://www.panmacmillan.com

Cleo telephones her friend Millie, Millie says,

“You’re a bloody idiot, Cleo. What do you expect him to do? What would you do in that situation?
“He lied to me”
“All men lie. That’s how they operate. If you want a long term relationship with a man, you’ve got to understand it’s going to be with a liar. It’s in their nature - it’s generic, it’s a bloody Darwinian acquired characteristic for survival, OK? They tell you what they want you to hear”
“Great”
“Yep, well, it’s true. Women lie too, in different ways. I’ve lied about most of the orgasms Robert ever thinks I’ve had.”
“Dosen’t seem much of a basis to build a relationship on, lies”
“I’m not saying it’s all lies - I’m saying that if you are looking for perfection, Cleo, your going to end up alone”.

A young man moved into a new flat of his own and went to the lobby to
put his name on his mailbox.

While there, an attractive young lady came out of the flat next to the
mailboxes, wearing a robe.

The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with
him.

As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had
nothing else on.

The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.

After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go
to my apartment, I hear someone coming."

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned
against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.

Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"

Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your
ears."

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts;
they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm
and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere. How can you think
that the best part of my body is my ears?"

Clearing his throat, he stammered.... "Outside, when you said you heard
someone coming.... that was me."

Got to admit that I copied this from, http://www.care2.com/