A large company recently hired several cannibals as it was expanding quickly and couldn't find enough British staff. "You are all part of our team now", said the HR rep during the welcoming briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the canteen on the Ground Floor for something to eat, but please don't eat any of our other employees".

The cannibals promised they would not. Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard and I'm satisfied with your work. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared.. Do any of you know what happened to her?"

The cannibals all shook their heads "No". After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, "Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?"

A hand rose hesitantly.

"You fool!" the leader continued. "For four weeks we've been eating managers and no one noticed anything. But, NOOOooo, you had to go and eat someone who actually does something and so will be missed!"

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would
add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol - Dead.

The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead

Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead

Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.

So the Minister asked the congregation -

What can you learn from this demonstration?

Maxine , who was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,

"As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"

That pretty much ended the service --

What a bloody horrible day yet again, very strong winds and driving rain, not going out of the house for anything.

Saturday was the usual wee run in the car for Hazel and I and we decided to travel East, towards Edinburgh. Half an hour later we arrived at Kirk o" Shotts, Kirk being the church of the village of Shotts.

The Kirk was founded in the reign of James III, in 1476, and was called St. Catherine’s Chapel. The present church- the wee kirk without a steeple, and wi’ the wee doo-cote belfry- was erected between 1819 and 1821.

Shotts is roughly half way between Glasgow and Edinburgh along side the M8 motorway and follows the original road built by the Romans. It is also the highest point of the road and the site for the television transmitters.

Moving on we passed Shotts Prison, no photos were taken, and eventually reached Livingstone, a town in West Lothian, and then Hazel noticed "McArthurGlen Designer Outlet". We parked.

Returning to the car about an hour later with our buys, she had a saucepan, and I had a new baking tray and a new loo brush. And home for dinner.

Now, I must go out, I have run out of cigarettes.

A Scotsman goes into a brothel in Amsterdam one night and finds
himself a prostitute.

He asks her, "How much do yee charrrge forrrr an hourrr?"

"£100," she replies.

So he asks, "Okay, do yee do Scottish style?"

She then says no, not knowing what Scottish style was.

He then asks her, "I'll pay you £200 to do it Scottish style."

Again she declines his offer.

So he then offers her £300.

She says, "No!"

So finally he says, "I'll give yee £500 to go Scottish style with me!"

Finally she agrees thinking, "Well, I've been in the game for over 10
years now. I've been there and done that, had every kind of request
from weirdo's from every corner of the world. How bad could Scottish
style be?"

So she goes ahead and has sex with him, doing it in every kind of way
and in every possible position. Finally, after several intense hours
they finish.

Exhausted, the hooker turns to him and says, "That was fantastic.
I've never enjoyed it so much. But I was expecting something
perverted and disgusting. Where does the 'Scottish style' come in?"

The Scotsman replies... "I'll pay ye next week."

A hunter walking through the jungle found a huge dead water buffaloe with a pygmy standing beside it.

Amazed, he asked "Did you kill that?!"

The pygmy said, "Yes."

The hunter asked, "How could a little guy like you kill a huge beast like that?"

"I killed it with my club."

The astonished hunter asked, "How big is your club?"

The pygmy replied, "There're about 60 of us."

Hi to everybody...I got tagged by Jenray, thanks a lot Jen.

I. You have to look up page 123 in the nearest book to you.
II. Look for the fifth sentence.
III. Then post the three sentences that follow the fifth sentence
IV. Tag five people to do the same.

Allen Carr's "Easy way to stop smoking". No, I'm not, just curious, bought it for 10p, if you want it I will send it to you, just let me know.

"A woman phoned me, seeking a private session. ( my comment, maybe we've got to the good bit ) She is a solicitor, had been smoking for about twelve years and had never smoked more or less than two cigarettes a day in her smoking life. She was, incidentally, a very strong willed lady."

Now you are all eager to get hold of this book I bet.

I apologise, but tag, buddythecat, chassy, mainbunny, Ozzzy, TJMum,

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female.... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male.... Playing cricket without a box.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female.... An embarrassing by product of indigestion.
Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female.... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male. . Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

Subject: Think before you speak

Twelve of the finest double-entendres that were aired on British TV & Radio

1. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - 'This is a really a lovely horse.
I once rode her mother.'

2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator - 'Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl
Gibson comes inside of him.'

3. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - 'And this is Gregoriava from
Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!'

4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - 'Ah, isn't that
nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford
Crew.'

5. US PGA Commentator - 'One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is
playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls
and kisses them . Oh my god!!!!! What have I just said?!!!!'

6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live'
said: 'You'd eat beaver if you could get it.'

7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed
and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, 'So Bob,were's that eight
inches you promised me last night?'

8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: 'Ballesteros felt much better today
after getting a 69 yesterday.'

9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said:
'There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like
this'

10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: 'Stephen
Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets.'

11. Michael Buerk on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male
astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: 'They
seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his
shorts.'

12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny
Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: 'Some weeks Nick likes to
use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.'

I have a friend that writes in French, is there a way of reading the post in English other than going to Google translate?

Do you know what kind of bird this is?

About 40 foot up in the silver birch tree, yesterday in the Glasgow area, red breast but, I believe, much too big to be a robin.

A recent survey carried out across the UK asked the following question:

'Are there too many foreigners in this country now ?'

Answers:
18% said: YES

82% said: ãÚåÏ ÇáÃãä ÇáÚÇáãí ÈæÇÔäØ

My apologies to those that are offended by this post.

IT'S JUST A JOKE. ( isn't it )

Marriage (Part I )

Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady, and after the
wedding, he laid down the following rules:
"I'll be home when I want, if I want
and at what ever time I want --
and I don't expect any hassle from you.
I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I
won't be home for dinner.
I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing when I want with my
old buddies, and don't you give me a hard time about it.
Those are my rules. Any comments?"

His new bride said:
"No, that's fine with me.
Just understand that there will be sex
here at seven o'clock every night...
whether you're here or not."

(DARN SHE'S GOOD!)

************

Marriage (Part II)

Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding
anniversary!

The husband yells, "When you die,
I'm getting you a headstone that reads,
'Here Lies My Wife -- Cold As Ever'!"

"Yeah?" she replies.
"When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My
Husband -- Stiff At Last'!"

(HE ASKED FOR IT!)

*********

Marriage (Part III)

Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast
table.

Husband gets up in a rage and says,
"And you are no good in bed either," and storms out of the house..
After some time he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and
rings her up.

She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says,
"What took you so long to answer to the phone?"

She says, "I was in bed."
"In bed this early, doing what?"
"Getting a second opinion!"

(YEP, HE HAD THAT COMING, TOO!)

La_Spice has included me in, " list seven habits/quirks/facts about yourself" .

Fact. I have never eaten Pasta. My mother insisted one day that I tried the macaroni pudding, I was sick over the table, she never insisted again.

Fact. I pick up every nail, screw, nut, bolt, etc that I find, take them home and put them in old jam jars.

Habit. Every morning I listen to the phone-in on the radio and continually shout replies to the idiots that talk a load of rubbish, ie, they don't agree with me.

Quirk. I don't get rid of old clothes. Hanging in the wardrobe is a 1980s Kevin Keegan overcoat. Any one want it?

Quirk. I don't like aeroplanes. They are far too heavy to be able to fly. I had to travel on one once, Glasgow to Birmingham, 300 miles, enough for me. How the hell do they stay up there?

Fact. In 1958 I worked back stage at Paul Raymond's Revue Bar in Soho, London. The number one act was Cha Londres, ( shall undress ), I spent most of my time with her in her dressing room watching a portable television and drinking tea.

Fact. I have no bad habits, well, none that I am telling you about.

GUESS WHO?
=
=
=
=
=
=
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That doesn't quite work does it?

President Bush was briefed this morning, he was told that “Three Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq”.
To everyone’s amazement all the colour drained from Bush’s face, then he collapsed onto his desk, head in hands, visibly shaken, almost whimpering.
Finally, he composed himself and asked, “ Just how many is a Brazilian?”.

WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:

Men Are Just Happier People--

Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can never be pregnant.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another petrol station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks and engines. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

Your underwear is £8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original colour.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one colour for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.

hy

1953, I was 15 years old, worked for British Railways, Southern Region, in the signal box at Brighton, my grand title was "Signal Lad". The job was to keep the register of all movements within the area controlled by the signal box, trains,(The Brighton Belle), freight, shunting and engines travelling on the main line to London, down the west coast to Plymouth, and eastward to Hastings. Two shifts, 6.0-2.00 and 2.00-10.00, the signalmen covered the job during the night.

There was also the task of weekly cleaning the windows, all 50 or so, cleaning and filling the hand lamps for use during an emergency, daily mopping the floor and making the tea for the three signalmen that were required for the 300+ signals and points levers.

My record player kept me alive at other times, Johnny Ray, Guy Mitchell, Doris Day, and the great Frankie Laine.

BLOODY HELL!!! and me, a fella.

Just think what they will say in Harley Street.

Bugger Harley Street, think what they will say in my street.

Time to share this one again.

Britain is Repossessing the U.S.A.
A Message from John Cleese

To: The citizens of the United States of America:

In light of your failure to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas , which she does not fancy).

Your new prime minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.

A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.

1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix -ize will be replaced by the suffix -ise.

Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as 'like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.

There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell- checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize. You will relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen.

4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent.

Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

8. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

9. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline)-roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager.

South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting Nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of British Commonwealth - see what it did for them.

12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters.

Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

13. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Don't try Rugby - the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.

14. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

15. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

16. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

17. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; strawberries in season.

God save the Queen.
Only He can.

John Cleese

How To Shower Like a Woman

Take off clothes and place them sectioned in laundry
basket according to lights and darks.

Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.

If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed
areas.

Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make
mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.

Get in the shower.

Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah,
wide loofah and pumice stone.

Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo
with 43 added vitamins.

Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.

Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner
enhanced.

Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for
10 minutes until red.

Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa
cake body wash.

Rinse conditioner off hair.

Shave armpits and legs.

Turn off shower.

Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.

Spray mould spots with Tile cleaner.

Get out of shower.

Dry with towel the size of a small country.

Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel
on head.

If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed
areas.

How To Shower Like a Man

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed
and leave them in a pile.

Walk naked to the bathroom.

If you see wife along the way, shake willy at her
making the 'woo-woo' sound.

Look at your manly physique in the mirror.

Admire the size of your willy and scratch your bum.

Get in the shower.

Wash your face.

Wash your armpits.

Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse
them off.

Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.

Spend majority of time washing privates and
surrounding area.

Wash your bum, leaving those coarse bum hairs stuck on
the soap.

Wash your hair.

Make a Shampoo Mohawk.

Wee.

Rinse off and get out of shower.

Partially dry off.

Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was
hanging out of bath t he whole time.

Admire willy size in mirror again.

Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and
fan on.

Return to bedroom with towel around waist.

If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake willy at her
and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.

Throw wet towel on bed.

I KNOW YOU'RE LAUGHING CAUSE MOST OF IT'S TRUE!!!!!!

Reading a post by spiritbird, http://spiritbird.blog.co.uk/2008/02/10/something_to_ponder_for_the_future~3708270
regarding the music that he would choose for his departure from this world reminded me of this song.

Sunday was the 5th anniversary of the death of my wife Sarah and it was only a little while before her illness that we discovered it.

Isn't that one of the best songs ever?

HEALTH QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION with Dr. Kenmiester:

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way.

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING! Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO! Cocoa beans! Another vegetable! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember: "Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO, What a Ride!"

O.K. Tony Blair, you screwed our country for 10 long years so now I am hoping to screw your future as the president of Europe.

If you would like to sign the petition please click on,

Online petition - Petition against the nomination of Tony Blair as

As I have often written in a post there are many places of interest to visit within 30 mins of home and on Saturday, Hazel and I went for a drive to the antiques centre in Doune.

With a special offer in the restaurant of lunch for two for £10, that was our first port of call, sustenance prior to the several hours that we would take in peering into the display cabinets.

Hazel has never been known to come away without some item, today it was also some thing that I liked,

She is lovely isn't she, a candle stick, but, candle sticks come in pairs, and there was only the one, markings on the base that we don't recognise and no imprint, but we have our challenge for the rest of the year, find the other one.

Returning to Glasgow I stopped on the motorway, I know, it's forbidden and a bit stupid, but it was my chance to get a picture of Stirling Castle from an unusual view.