Marriage (Part I )

Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady, and after the
wedding, he laid down the following rules:
"I'll be home when I want, if I want
and at what ever time I want --
and I don't expect any hassle from you.
I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I
won't be home for dinner.
I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing when I want with my
old buddies, and don't you give me a hard time about it.
Those are my rules. Any comments?"

His new bride said:
"No, that's fine with me.
Just understand that there will be sex
here at seven o'clock every night...
whether you're here or not."

(DARN SHE'S GOOD!)

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Marriage (Part II)

Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding
anniversary!

The husband yells, "When you die,
I'm getting you a headstone that reads,
'Here Lies My Wife -- Cold As Ever'!"

"Yeah?" she replies.
"When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My
Husband -- Stiff At Last'!"

(HE ASKED FOR IT!)

*********

Marriage (Part III)

Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast
table.

Husband gets up in a rage and says,
"And you are no good in bed either," and storms out of the house..
After some time he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and
rings her up.

She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says,
"What took you so long to answer to the phone?"

She says, "I was in bed."
"In bed this early, doing what?"
"Getting a second opinion!"

(YEP, HE HAD THAT COMING, TOO!)

La_Spice has included me in, " list seven habits/quirks/facts about yourself" .

Fact. I have never eaten Pasta. My mother insisted one day that I tried the macaroni pudding, I was sick over the table, she never insisted again.

Fact. I pick up every nail, screw, nut, bolt, etc that I find, take them home and put them in old jam jars.

Habit. Every morning I listen to the phone-in on the radio and continually shout replies to the idiots that talk a load of rubbish, ie, they don't agree with me.

Quirk. I don't get rid of old clothes. Hanging in the wardrobe is a 1980s Kevin Keegan overcoat. Any one want it?

Quirk. I don't like aeroplanes. They are far too heavy to be able to fly. I had to travel on one once, Glasgow to Birmingham, 300 miles, enough for me. How the hell do they stay up there?

Fact. In 1958 I worked back stage at Paul Raymond's Revue Bar in Soho, London. The number one act was Cha Londres, ( shall undress ), I spent most of my time with her in her dressing room watching a portable television and drinking tea.

Fact. I have no bad habits, well, none that I am telling you about.

GUESS WHO?
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That doesn't quite work does it?

President Bush was briefed this morning, he was told that “Three Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq”.
To everyone’s amazement all the colour drained from Bush’s face, then he collapsed onto his desk, head in hands, visibly shaken, almost whimpering.
Finally, he composed himself and asked, “ Just how many is a Brazilian?”.