It's Me.

A doctor in Dublin wanted to get off work and go fishing, so he approached
his assistant.

'Murphy, I am going hunting tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I
want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients'.

'Yes, sir!' answers Murphy.

The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks:

So, Murphy, how was your day?'

Murphy told him that he took care of three patients.

'The first one had a headache so he did, so I gave him Paracetamol.'

'Bravo Murphy lad, and the second one?' asks the doctor.

'The second one had indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon, so I did sir' says
Murphy.

'Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?' Asks the
doctor.

'Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a young
gorgeous woman borsts in so she does. Like a bolt outta the
blue, she tears off her clothes, taking off everyting including her bra and
her panties and lies down on the table, spreading her legs
And shouts: 'HELP ME for the love of St Patrick! For five years I have not
seen any man!''

'Tunderin' lard Jesus Murphy, what did you do?' asks the doctor.

'I put drops in her eyes.'

COMPLAINTS

These are genuine clips from British Council flat tenants complaining to the Council about problems with their flats.

1. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.

2. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.

3. It's the dog's mess that I find hard to swallow.

4. I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6 a.m. His cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.

5. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.

6. And their 18-year-old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

7. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.

8. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

9. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

10. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path? My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.

11. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

12. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain filthy.

13. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.

14. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared.

15. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour & not fit to drink.

16. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

17. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

18. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it.

19. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

20. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman were drinking in a pub.

As good as this is,' said the Scotsman, 'I still prefer the pubs back home.

In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out

of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink.'

'Well, Angus,' said the Englishman, 'At my local in London, the Red Lion,

the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two.'

'Ahhh, dat's nothin',' said the Irishman, 'Back home in Dublin, there's the

Codfish Bar. The moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink,

then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough

drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you gets laid, all on the house!'

The Englishman and Scotsman immediately shout down the Irishman's claims,

but he swears every word is true.

'Well,' said the Englishman, still suspicious. 'Did this actually happen to you?'

'Not meself, personally, no,' admitted the Irishman 'But it did happen to

me sister quite a few times.'

Everyone has a personality of a cartoon character. Have you ever asked
yourself what cartoon character do you most resemble?

A group of investigators got together and analyzed the personalities of
well known and modern cartoon characters. The information that was
gathered was made into this test.

Answer all the questions (only 10) with what describes you best, add up
all your Points (which are next to the answer that you choose) at the
end and look for your results.

Do not cheat by looking at the end before you are done, then copy it to your own blog for your blog friends.

1. Which one of the following describes the perfect date?
a) Candle light dinner (4 pts.)
b) Fun/Theme Park (2 pts.)
c) Painting in the park (5 pts)
d) Rock concert (1 pt.)
e) Going to the movies (3 pts.)

2. What is your favorite type of music?
a) Rock and Roll (2 pts.)
b) Alternative (1 pt.)
c) Soft Rock (4 pts.)
d) Country (5 pts )
e) Pop (3 pts.)

3. What type of movies do you prefer?
a) Comedy (2 pts.)
b) Horror (1 pt.)
c) Musical (3 pts.)
d) Romance (4 pts.)
e) Documentary (5 pts.)

4. Which one of these occupations would you choose if you only could
choose one of these?
a) Waiter (4 pts.)
b) Professional Sports Player (5 pts.)
c) Teacher (3 pts.)
d) Police (2 pts.)
e) Cashier (1 pt)

5 What do you do with your spare time?
a) Exercise (5 pts.)
b) Read (4 pts.)
c) Watch television (2 pts.)
d) Listen to music (1 pt.)
e) Sleep (3 pts.)

6. Which one of the following colors do you like best?
a) Yellow (1 pt.)
b) White (5 pts.)
c) Sky Blue (3 pts)
d) Dark Blue(2 pts.)
e) Red (4 pts.)

7. What do you prefer to eat?
a) Snow (3 pts.)
b) Pizza (2 pts.)
c) Sushi (1 pt.)
d) Pasta (4 pts.)
e) Salad (5 pts.)

8. What is your favorite holiday ?
a) Halloween(1 pt.)
b) Christmas(3 pts.)
c) New Year (2 pts.)
d) Valentine's Day(4 pts.)
e) Thanksgiving(5 p ts.)

9. If you could go to one of these places which one would it be?
a) Paris (4 pts)
b) Spain (5 pts)
c) Las Vegas (1 pt)
d) Hawaii (4 pts)
e) Hollywood (3 pts)

10. With which of the following would you prefer to spend time with?
a) Someone Smart (5 pts.)
b) Someone attractive (2 pts.)
c) Someone who likes to Party (1 pt.)
d) Someone who always has fun (3 pts.)
e) Someone very sentimental (4 pts.)

Now add up your points and find out the answer you have been waiting
for!

(10-16 points) You are Garfield :
You are very comfortable, easy going, and you definitely know how to
have fun but sometimes you take it to an extreme. You always know what
you are doing and you are always in control of your life. Other rs may
not see things as you do, but that doesn't mean that you always have to
do what is right. Try to remember, your happy spirit may hurt you or
others.

(17-23 points) You are Snoopy:
You are fun; you are very cool and popular. You always know what's in
and you ' re never out of style , y ou are good at knowing how to
satisfy everyone else. You have probably disappeared for a few days more
than once but you always come home with the family values that you
learned Being married and having children are important to you, but only
after you have had your share of fun times

(24-28 points) You are Elmo:
You have lots of friends and you are also popular, always willing to
give advice and help out a person in need. You are very optimistic and
you always see the bright side of things. Some good advice: try not to
be too much of a dreamer. Dreaming too big could cause many conflicts in
your life.

(29-35 points) You are Sponge Bob Square Pants:
You are the classic person that everyone loves. You are the best friend
that anyone could ever have and never wants to lose. You never cause
harm to anyone and they would never not understand your feelings. Life
is a journey, it' s funny and calm for the most part Stay away from
traitors and jealous people and you will be stress free.

(36-43 points) You are Charlie Brown:
You are tender, you fall in love quickly but you are also very serious
about all relationships. You are a family person. You call your Mom
every Sunday. You have many friends and may occasionally forget a few
Birthdays. Don't let your passion confuse you with reality.

(44-50 points ) You are Dexter:
You are smart and definitely a thinker... Every situation is fronted
with a plan. You have a brilliant mind. You demonstrate very strong
family principles. You maintain a stable routine but never ignore a bad
situation when it comes. Try to do less over thinking every once in a
while to spice things up a bit with spontaneity!

After breakfast I listen to BBC radio five live, I like phone ins.

Now I am well aware that this station is live and therefor it will be continually interrupted by news, weather, road reports and sport, but, it bloody annoys me.

I shout and bawl at those idiots that say things that are stupid and downright wrong, I shout at the fools that are saying the right things but don't know how to say them, I shout at the presenter that has picked the wrong topic to talk about.

But I never 'phone in.

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A Cajun walks into a bar with
A pet alligator by his side.

He puts the alligator up on the bar.
He turns to the astonished patrons.
'I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my manhood inside.

Then the gator will close his
Mouth for one minute.

'Then he'll open his mouth
And I'll remove my unit unscathed.
In return for witnessing this
Spectacle,
Each of you will buy me a drink.'

The crowd murmured their approval.
The man stood up on the bar,
Dropped his trousers,
And placed his Johnson and related parts in the alligator's open mouth.
The gator closed his mouth
As the crowd gasped.
After a minute,
The man grabbed a beer
Bottle and smacked the
Alligator hard on the top of
Its head.

The gator opened his mouth
And the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.

The crowd cheered,
And the first of his free
Drinks were delivered.

The man stood up again and made another offer. 'I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try.'

A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.

A Blonde woman timidly
Spoke up..........
'I'll try it -
Just don't hit me so hard
With the beer bottle!'

HUMOR FOR LEXOPHILES (LOVERS OF WORDS):

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

Police were called to a day care where a 3-yr-old was resisting a rest.

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.

To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.

The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

A thief who stole a calendar got 12 months.

A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles , U.C.L.A.

The dead batteries were given out free of charge.

A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.

A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

A will is a dead giveaway.

Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

A backward poet writes inverse.

In a democracy, it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.

A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.

If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft, and I'll show you A flat miner.

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France and resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.

You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

A calendar's days are numbered.

A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.

A boiled egg is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

They who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

When you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.

When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

Acupuncture: a jab well done.

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.

The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues to sit there.

Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.

The drunk mumbles, 'Ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either.'

To my very kind blog friends, thank-you for the birthday wishes.

For many years I considered that birthdays were not important any more, but I have just changed my mind, it dawned on me that I am now probably running out of them, but, not only that, I realised that I have found many good friends through my blog.

In all probability I will never meet any of you, but I feel that I know many of you well, of course I have read your posts and formed an opinion of you and it's my opinion that there are some very nice folk out there, caring about one another, saying a few words of encouragement when they are needed, there is humour helping others to smile again in the low times, and sharing. Friends indeed.

I'm so glad that I found this blog place, and so pleased to have such nice blog friends. Thank-you all for being my friend.

Oh, yes, for my birthday I had lessons in mounting. It was a work-shop at Calderglen Country Park in East Kilbride, just a few miles from Glasgow. "How to mount photographs for competitions", It's a lot more complicated than I had imagined and works out a little expensive when you have to buy a gadget that cuts holes leaving a beveled edge but the finished article does look really good. It's not the winning, it's the taking part, but I really would like to win.

Looking back over previous posts I re-read the words of one of the finest poems written, beautiful words, so filled with love. I make no apologies for re-posting them here.

Think of me at night when sleep is near
And I who love you are so far away
Think of me then and I will come to you
Nor leave you till the night turns into day
Stretch forth thy hand and through the depths of dark
Another hand will touch thy fingertips
And as of old my voice will breathe thy name
And press a kiss upon thy sleeping lips.

What a pity that the author is unknown.

A good post by Zappy, http://saladdodger.blog.co.uk/2008/08/19/waterlogged-4609614 about slimming reminds me that there is never any help for those of us that want to do the opposite, put on weight.

"Your Christmas diet", "Your after Christmas diet", "Slim for Easter", "Loose pounds for the beach" etc, there appears to be a diet in newspapers and magazines specially tailored for every event and season of the year.

Where is the diet for me, "Put on a stone for Summer", "Look good in your swimwear", "Fatter is fitter", "Add a pound a day".

Think I'll start a new website/write a book/make a video/publish a recipe book.

Make a fortune.

Tired of constantly being broke
& stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both
Problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the
Beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed.

A 'friend of a
Friend put him in touch with a nefarious, dark-side, underworld figure who went
By the name of 'Artie.' Artie then explained to the husband that his going price
For snuffing out a spouse was £5,000.

The husband said he was willing to
Pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could
Collect his wife's insurance money.

Artie insisted on being paid at least
Something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single pound
Coin that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, & reluctantly agreed
To accept the pound as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later,
Artie followed the man's wife to the local Tesco store. There, he surprised her
In the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands
And as the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor
The manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder
Scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, old' Artie had no choice
But to strangle the produce manager as well.

However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the
Hidden security cameras and observed by the store's security guard, who immediately
Called the police.

Artie was caught and arrested before he could even leave the store.
Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole
Sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless
Husband who was also quickly arrested.

The next day in the newspaper,

The headline declared............
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(You're going to hate me for this)
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'ARTIE CHOKES TWO FOR A POUND AT TESCO!'

I watched a smashing wee film last week and it got me thinking.

Roughly, it was about a bloke that was made redundant and eventually, had a personal target, to swim the English Channel, I must add, that his hobby was swimming so that made his decision a bit easier.

Maybe I should have a target, I don't swim that well. Lots of thinks, and I hatched a plan.

A couple of weeks ago I was in Brighton, last year I visited Buckie, a couple of years ago in Blackpool, yep, they all start with "B". I will visit every city and town in the UK that starts with "B".

As a boy I went to Bexhill (The De La Ware Pavilion), I had holidays at Butlins in Bognor, that's five down already, now to plan my itinerary.

Bournemouth, Bristol, Bridgeport, Bangor, Banbury, Barnstable, yes, this looks OK, Birmingham, Bradford, ah, pause for thought, maybe not, maybe a different plan.

Now, don't get me wrong, I've nothing against Birmingham or Bradford, it's just that I googled "Towns starting with "B"" and there are 238 of them.

Yep, just one hour ago, watching television, football from Iceland, bloody Iceland, a World away, hundreds of miles North of here, and the sun was shining. I'm looking out of the window and it's coming down in stair-rods.

Just realised that I have been taking the easy route and posting lots of humour on this blog, so, time to blog properly.

I'm messing about with my new mobile 'phone, yep, brand new, first new one that I have ever had, Motorola, Tesco, £39.95. It replaces my 14 year old, second hand, Nokia. In the time that I've had the old one I received about 4 calls and used it maybe 20 times, I have never given anyone the number, but, this one takes pictures.

I took about 30 pics, didn't think that they looked very good on the wee screen nor when I transferred them to the computer. Just realised that there is a bit of plastic covering up the lens.

Hazel just 'phoned, she has booked us for a holiday in Majorca/Minorca/ somewhere in October, never been out of the UK, did go on a day trip to Guernsey once because it was free, it was one of the perks for working on British Railways, I think that they also owned the ships at that time.

It's costing me a fortune in ink for my HP printer, re-fill cartridges are useless and there does not appear to be a cheaper version like there was for my Epsom printer. I am trying to get some good pictures printed up for a photographic competition, it's not the winning, it's the taking part, but, I would like to win. There is no prize money but the winning picture may be used in the leaflets put out by South Lanarkshire. If the winning picture is a badly photographed, strange composition of Bothwell Castle or a rain swept children's play park, I am in with a chance.

A plane leaves Los Angeles airport under the control of a Jewish captain. His co-pilot is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike.

Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish Captain activates the auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters, 'I don't like Chinese.'

No rike Chinese?' asks the co-pilot, 'why not?'

'You people bombed Pearl Harbor , that's why!'

'No, no,' the co-pilot protests, 'Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah! That Japanese, not Chinese!!!!'

'Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese ... doesn't matter, you're all alike.

There's a few minutes of silence. 'No rike Jews!' the co-pilot suddenly announces.

'Why not?' asks the captain.

'Jews sink Titanic.'

'Jews didn't sink the Titanic!' exclaims the captain, 'It was an iceberg!'

'Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg , Iceberg, ... no mattah ... alla same.'

It was entertainment night at the Senior Centre and the Amazing Claude
was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed
hypnotist do his stuff.

As Claude went to the front of the meeting room, he announced, 'Unlike
most hypnotists who invite 2 or three people up here to be put in a
trance, I intend to hypnotise each and every member of the audience.'

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful
antique pocket watch from his coat. 'I want you to keep your eye on this
antique watch. It's a very special watch. It has been in my family for
six generations.'

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while chanting, 'Watch
the watch, watch the watch, watch, watch, watch...'

The crowd became mesmerised as the watch swayed back and forth, light
gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed
the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's
fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

'Shit,' said the hypnotist.

It took 3 days to clean up the senior centre...

THE FROG

An older lady was somewhat lonely and decided she needed a pet to keep her company. So off to the pet shop she went. She searched and searched. Nothing seemed to catch her interest, except this ugly frog. As she walked by the jar he was in, she looked and he winked at her.

He whispered , "IM LONELY TOO, BUY ME AND YOU WONT BE SORRY."

The old lady figured--WHAT THE HECK, she hadn't found anything else.

She bought the frog and put him in the car.

Driving down the road the frog whispered to her "KISS ME AND YOU WONT BE SORRY."
So the old lady figured WHAT THE HECK, and kissed the frog.

IMMEDIATELY the frog turned into an absolutely gorgeous sexy young handsome prince.

THE PRINCE THEN KISSED THE OLD LADY BACK..........AND GUESS WHAT THE OLD LADY TURNED INTO?
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COME ON GUESS?
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OOOOOOOHHHHHHH COME ONNN

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COME ONNNN
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SHE TURNED INTO THE FIRST MOTEL SHE COULD FIND.

A WOMAN'S POEM:

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door.
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to 'how big is my behind?'
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.

A MAN'S POEM:

I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with
Huge boobs who owns a bar on a golf course,
And loves to send me fishing and drinking. This
Doesn't rhyme and I don't give a sh!t.

A husband and wife came for counseling after 20 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 20 years they had been married.

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately as her husband watched with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"

The husband thought for a moment and replied, "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I go fishing."

Underwear Dust

One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, "Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!"

His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.

The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer.

"What the hell is this??" he said to himself, as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out.

"April!" he hollered into the bathroom, "Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?"

She replied...

"It's not talcum powder.... It's 'Miracle Grow!!"

Siamese twins

Siamese twins walk into a pub in Ontario and park themselves on a bar stool.
One of them says to the landlord, 'Don't mind us, we're joined at the hip.
I'm John, he's Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers, draft please'.
The landlord, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers.
'Been on holiday yet, lads?'
'Off to England next month,' says John. 'We go to England every year and hire a car and drive for miles, don't we, Jim?' Jim agrees.
'Ah, England!' says the landlord. 'Wonderful country... the history, the beer, the culture...'
'Nah, we don't like that British crap,' says John. ' Hamburgers & Molsons beer, that's us, eh Jim? And we can't stand the English - they're so arrogant and rude.'
'So why keep going to England ?' asks the landlord.

'It's the only chance Jim gets to drive.'

Yes it was, 800 heads topped with grey hair, well, those that still had hair, but their shoulders moved up and down, their feet were tapping and their hands were clapping. I could only see the backs of their heads, I was late booking and only got a seat at the back, but I know that there were smiles on their faces, behind many of their smiling eyes I am sure that there were many memories.

The last night of my holiday, Worthing pier pavilion, 3 hours of The Glen Miller band, it was a wonderful night.

The guest appearance was Eric Delaney, if you are my age, or, approaching my age, this name will mean something, a drummer, no, not just a man playing the drums, THE man playing the drums. http://www.jazzprofessional.com/report/DelaneyPic.htm
He is now in his early 80s. brilliant.

Hazel and I walked back to our hotel in the drizzly rain that had started, happy, a little tipsy thanks to the interval, with a bag of chips in our hands bought from a shop that had Turkish gentleman behind the counter who could not understand Hazel's Scottish accent, and Hazel who does not speak Turkish, I stood there and grinned.

Honestly, there is nothing wrong with chips covered with sweet Egg Plant sauce.

Riddle of the Day

Arnold Schwarzenegger has a big one.

Michael J. Fox has a small one.

Madonna doesn't have one.

The Pope has one but doesn't use it.

Clinton uses his all the time.

Bush is one.

Mickey Mouse has an unusual one.

Liberace never used his on women.

Jerry Seinfeld is very proud of his.

Cher claims that she took on 3.

We never saw Lucy use Desi's.

What is it?

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The answer is: 'A Last Name.'

I was talking to my sister a couple of weeks ago and she was saying that she spent £8.00 buying a couple of bits of cod from the fishmonger. Actually she had gone in to buy some huss.

"No" said the fishmonger "nobody buys huss any more".

I well remember that as a boy I was sent to the fish and chip shop to buy the Saturday dinner, "huss and chips for five please".

Last week, whilst at Worthing, I watched as the wee fishing boat came back from a night spent fishing, soon the fisherman started writing on his blackboard, TODAY, cod, whiting and huss.

Back home here in Scotland I asked my local fishmonger if he had any huss, the answer was that he had never heard of such a fish.

No, I was not in Italy, I was just outside Worthing, actually, a place named Goring.

Yes, the only reproduction in the world of the ceiling of the Sistine chapel in Rome.

In 1987 Gary Bevans, having visited the original, asked his local priest for permission to do likewise to the English Martyrs Church.

English Martyrs Church, Goring, Sussex.

The work took Mr Bevans five and a half years to complete the 3,500 sq ft and is two thirds of the size of Michelangelo's original.

Further information can be found at, http://www.goring-by-sea.com/englishmartyrs.htm

It's funny, only two sevenths of my life was spent at the place where I was born, but I still call it home. I am just back after a few days at Worthing.

It was seven years ago when I was last there, and I must admit that I found it very depressing, the detoriaration, the shabbiness of the town, was very obvious. As this was the first time that Hazel would visit my home town I was a little apprehensive.

I discovered that I had no need to be. Worthing, you are looking good. New buildings, freshly painted hotels and guest houses, signs in windows saying "Sorry, no vacancies", gardens as good as ever, the good feeling as I walked among the locals and many visitors in the shopping areas. Congratulations to all at Worthing that are helping to make these changes.

Our place for B&B, the four star Moorings Hotel ( http://www.mooringsworthing.co.uk )in Selden Road, as a lager company advertises "Probably the best B&B in the world", just across the road from the sea. I selected it from a website, who is to know whether those pictures are up to date, it looked good and it read good. It was good. Sarah and Colin, you should not have four stars, it should be at least five, and probably six.

Like all places now, it is strictly non-smoking. Hazel and I both smoke.
We did not smoke here.

I must admit that whilst leaning out of the window we did smoke in our room at the place where we stopped over night on the way down, a place in Warwick, also booked over the website. Beds that were a bunch of springs covered with a thin sheet that were made slightly more comfortable by laying the duvet under our body's, a grubby looking carpet in the en-suite, for me a real no no, and I kept my out door shoes on when I had to enter the place, no shower just a bath, the one redeeming feature, a good breakfast. Surprisingly they have e-mailed a questionnaire for our comments. They now have my reply.