It's Me.

Hitchcock I aint.

2009-11-19T17:20:44+01:00

Maybe I'm not the best film director in the land but I have a lot of fun with, http://www.microsoft.com/windowsxp/using/digitalphotography/PhotoStory/default.mspx You can even add sound, so, sound on.

Bothwell Castle is Scotland's finest 13th-century castle to be found at Uddingston. Craignethan dates back to 1530, 5 miles from Lanark.

New Lanark, Scotland. A World Heritage site. The cotton mill owners provided fair wages, free health care and the first nursery school in the world 200 years ago.

Comments

I wanna be a millionaire, ( humour )

2009-11-19T15:17:12+01:00

Another Irish Joke
Mick, from Dublin , appeared on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' and towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 pounds.
'You've done very well so far,' said, Chris Tarrant, the show's presenter, 'but for a million pounds you've only got one life-line left - phone a friend. Everything is riding on this question......will you go for it?'

'Sure,' said Mick. 'I'll have a go!'

'Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest? -
a) Sparrow, b) Thrush, c) Magpie, d) Cuckoo?'

'I haven't got a clue,' said Mick,''so I'll use me last lifeline and phone me friend Paddy back home in Dublin .'

Mick called up his mate, and told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him.

'Fookin hell, Mick!' cried Paddy.

'Dat's simple.......it's a cuckoo.'

'Are you sure?'

'I'm fookin sure..'

Mick hung up the phone and told Chris, 'I'll go wit Cuckoo as me answer.'

'Is that your final answer?' asked Chris
'Dat it is, Sir.'

There was a long, long pause, and then the presenter screamed,
'Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you've won 1 million pounds!'

The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.

'Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven's name did you know it was da Cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest?'

'Because he lives in a Fookin clock!!

Comments

The worst mother in the world?

2009-11-17T20:35:07+01:00

I spend my mornings doing house-work, not because I want to, but, I think that it's the right thing to do. Whilst dusting, washing up, ironing, etc, I listen to the radio, radio 5 live, Victoria Derbyshire, a phone-in show. I have never phoned in, but, I continually shout at the fools that do with their stupid comments. Yesterday was different and I have been unable to get it out of my mind.

There was a gentleman that phoned in and he told his story.

Many years ago, for some reason he seperated from his wife, they had two small children, girls ages about 7 and 4 years. He was granted visitation rights by the court for every other Saturday. Every Saturday that he arrived at the house it was empty, the mother and children were not at home.

It was many years later that he found out that the mother did take the children out on the days when the father was due to visit, but, on the Saturdays that he was not due she would dress the two girls with their coats on and sit them on the bottom of the stairs waiting for him to visit.

Of course, the girls were very disappointed and the mother told them that their father just didn't want to see them.

Now you understand why I ask the title of this post.

Comments

A suspicious lot.

2009-11-17T17:10:35+01:00

Very interesting, looking at the statistics for my blog and especially the list of "Keywords". One keyword has had 1,356 hits, now, that appears to me to be a lot.

That "keyword" was, "track your partner".

Half of a great many couples are, at least, a little suspicious.

PS. If you haven't seen the website, and you wish to, http://www.track-your-partner.com/

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Bring memories to me.

2009-11-16T17:52:23+01:00

WALLFLOWERS.

Sitting in the wet earth in my garden there are 65 wallflower plants, strong little plants that will be covered with snow before they light up the Spring with their various colours and the beautiful fragrance that greets the passer by.

The picture does not do them justice, even a video can only show the colours and flowers gently moving, if only we could capture the scent.

Actually there are another eight, they are the special ones that have been flowering twice each year since spring 2003. They have purple flowers, and my wife and I bought them in November 2002. There were 18 of them then.

Sarah knew that she would never live to see them flower or to smell that fragrance, but we planted them together.

Spring, and with a bit of tender pruning, also Autumn, re-open those memories of special days.

Comments

THE ZIPPER. humour,

2009-11-13T12:36:45+01:00

As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became
Aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to
Come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus
Driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little,
Thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg
She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't.

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached
Behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the
Second time attempted the step.

Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg
With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind
To unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing
Behind her picked her up easily by the waist
And placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the
Would-be Samaritan
And yelled,
'How dare you touch my body!
I don't even know who you are!'

The Texan smiled and drawled,
'Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you,

But after you unzipped my fly three times,
I kinda figured we was friends.'

Comments

That's Life.

2009-11-09T16:09:56+01:00

Another year has passed
and we're all a little older.
Last summer felt hotter
and winter seems much colder.

There was a time not long ago
when life was quite a blast.
Now I fully understand
about 'Living in the Past'

We used to go to weddings,
football games and lunches.
Now we go to funeral homes,
and after-funeral brunches.

We used to have hangovers,
from parties that were gay.
Now we suffer body aches
and wile the night away.

We used to go out dining,
and couldn't get our fill.
Now we ask for doggie bags,
come home and take a pill.

We used to often travel
to places near and far.
Now we get sore asses
from riding in the car.

We used to go to nightclubs
and drink a little booze.
Now we stay home at night
and watch the evening news.

That, my friend is how life is,
and now my tale is told.

So, enjoy each day and live it up...
before you're too damned old!

Comments

Because I'm blonde?

2009-10-26T16:05:10+01:00

A girl came skipping home from school one day. "Mommy,
Mommy, she yelled, "We were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10!"

"Very good," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde?" the girl asked.
"Yes, it's because you're blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy,"
she yelled, "We were saying the alphabet today, and all the
other kids said up to D, but I said it up to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!"
"Very good," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
"Yes, It's because you're blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home from school.
"Mommy, Mommy!" she yelled, "We were in gym class today, and when we were showering, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" She lifted up her tank top to reveal a pair of 36 C's.
"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
"No, Honey, Its because you're 27."

Comments

Praying for Leroy.

2009-10-09T23:38:13+02:00

"Anyone with needs to be prayed over, come forward, to the front at the altar," the Preacher says.

Leroy gets in line, and when it's his turn, the preacher asks: "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you."

Leroy replies: "Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing."

The preacher puts one finger in Leroy's ear, and he places the other hand on top of Leroy's head and prays and prays and prays, he prays a blue streak for Leroy.

After a few minutes, the Preacher removes his hands, stands back and asks, "Leroy, how is your hearing now?"

Leroy says, "I don't know, Reverend, it ain't til next Wednesday!"

Comments

The Bible study.

2009-10-07T21:55:15+02:00

A young fellow had just gotten his Driver's Permit.

He asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said he'd make a deal with his son. "You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut and we'll talk about the car."

The son thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said, "Son, I've been real proud. You brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm real disappointed that you didn't get your hair cut."

The young man paused a moment, then said: "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair, and there's even a strong argument that Jesus had long hair.

To this his father replied, "Did you also notice that they all walked everywhere they went?"

Comments

New sex study.

2009-10-06T16:28:25+02:00

It has been determined,
the most used sexual position for married couples
is a doggie position.
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The husband sits up and begs.
The wife rolls over and plays dead.

Comments

I have quite a neat bum....

2009-10-03T11:38:32+02:00

Yep, as I said, I have quite a neat bum, well, so I am told, I don't actually mean that folk come up to me in the street and tell me that, well, there was that instance once in a club in Brighton, but, no, that's another story.

No, what I mean is, it is not baggy.

I have at last accepted that I am no longer a size 34 waist and realise the effect that wearing size 34 is having on my bladder, bowels and anything else that is down there, so, 36 waist it will have to be.

That is where my problems started. Spending 6 hours, that includes lunch, in one of the premier shopping areas in the UK, Glasgow, and visiting every shop that may possibly have what I required, I end up with a baggy bum. Not only that, I also now have baggy thighs.

Why is it that manufacturers think that a move from 34 waist to 36 waist
must double the size of a body below the waist?

PS, I did discover one shop that had a perfect pair of jeans, 36 waist, neat bum, neat thighs and beautiful soft denim but priced at £270! No, you will have to wait and see me in my speedos to know that, I DON'T HAVE A BAGGY BUM.

Comments

Bits from "VIZ".

2009-10-01T15:20:58+02:00

* What's all this nonsense about that 66-year-old Romanian woman being
the world's oldest mum? My mum's 77. Beat that.

* Peter Andre might look smug in all his wedding pictures, but I'd just
like to remind him that, as a Playboy reader, I have seen his wife's
m!nge. He hasn't seen my wife's, so who's had the last laugh?

* Imagine my shock at getting a letter from my doctor advising me I only
had a month to live but thankfully the letter was not for me but for my
son with the same name who lives with us. Close call.

* What is it with diabetics? One minute they're on the floor with a
loved one standing by screaming "Give him some chocolate! Give him some
chocolate!" The next day someone offers them a piece of chocolate and
quick as a flash they say "No thanks, I'm diabetic." I wish they'd get
their story straight.

* I have just returned from a diplomatic trip to the Congo and I can
testify that at no point did I see anyone drinking Um Bongo.

* WHY DON'T NHS bosses start hiring obsessive compulsives as nurses? Their attention to hygiene and constant hand washing would see an end to MRSA outbreaks in no time.

* Why is it that pubs won't serve me if I'm drunk, but McDonalds
continue serving them fat f***ers? Its hardly fair.

* Never mind ventriloquists like Keith Harris and Roger DeCourcey. What
about Professor Stephen Hawking? I saw him on telly blathering on about
galaxies for hours and I never saw his lips move once. Genius

* The person who coined the phrase "as different as chalk and cheese"
obviously hadn't tasted Kwik Save's cheddar.

* They say football is a game of two halves. Not for me it isn't. I
regularly down eight or nine pints whilst watching a live game on Sky TV
in my local.

* If, as Freddie Mercury claimed, fat bottomed girls make the rocking
world go round, isn't it about time that the city of Glasgow received
some recognition for its contribution to astrophysics?

* These so-called speed bumps are a joke. If anything, they slow you
down

* We should remember the tremendous contribution of the Queen Mother to
the war effort: as the BBC pointed out, she "bravely remained in London
beside her husband" during the war. This contrasts sharply with the
actions of my grandfather who, on the declaration of war immediately
left his wife and children and p*ssed off, first to France , then North0
Africa , Italy , France (again) and finally Germany . The shame will
always be with us.

* Like the Queen Mum, my grandfather was a frequent visitor to the East
End during the dark days of the blitz, but he was never hailed as a hero
by the people of London . That's because he flew Heinkel bombers for the
Luftwaffe. Werner Hoffman, Munich .

* I would just like to say a big thank you to all those wonderful young
people who stand on motorway slip roads (and in any weather) holding up
boards telling us motorists where they lead to.

* Davina McCall says that dangling off a helicopter over the Grand
Canyon on a 700 foot bungee rope was the most terrifying and dangerous
thing she has ever done. She must be forgetting that she went out with
Stan Collymore.

Comments

The Sunday paper.

2009-09-29T23:05:16+02:00

For all of us who are seniors - for all of you who know seniors - and for all of you who will be seniors... It pays to be able to laugh about it when you are!

And, speaking of senior moments:

"WHERE is my SUNDAY paper?" The irate customer calling the newspaper office loudly demanded, wanting to know where her Sunday edition was.

"Madam", said the newspaper employee, "today is Saturday.
The Sunday paper is not delivered until tomorrow, on SUNDAY".

There was quite a long pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition as she was heard to mutter,

"Well f**k me ... that's why no one was at church today"

Comments

Book Report.

2009-09-28T16:03:15+02:00

Students at a local school were assigned to read 2 books, 'Titanic' and 'My Life' by Bill Clinton.

One student turned in the following book report,
With the proposition that they were nearly identical stories!

His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report.

Titanic... Cost - $29.99
Clinton .... Cost - $29.99

Titanic.... Over 3 hours to read
Clinton .. Over 3 hours to read

Titanic..... The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton .. The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.

Titanic.... Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton ...... Bill is a bullshit artist.

Titanic... In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton ... Ditto for Bill.

Titanic..... During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton .... Ditto for Monica.

Titanic..... Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton .. Let's not go there.

Titanic.... Rose gets to keep her jewelry.
Clinton ... Monica' s forced to return her gifts.

Titanic.... Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life..
Clinton .... Clinton doesn't remember Jack.

Titanic.... Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton .... Monica.. Ooh, let's not go there, either.

Titanic..... Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton .... Bill goes home to Hillary - basically the same thing

Comments

I TRULY DID NOT KNOW THIS!

2009-09-25T13:50:51+02:00

LAS VEGAS CHURCHES ACCEPT GAMBLING CHIPS.

THIS MAY COME AS A SURPRISE
TO THOSE OF YOU NOT LIVING IN
LAS VEGAS , BUT THERE ARE MORE CATHOLIC CHURCHES THAN CASINOS.

NOT SURPRISINGLY, SOME WORSHIPERS AT SUNDAY SERVICES WILL GIVE CASINO CHIPS RATHER THAN CASH WHEN THE BASKET IS PASSED.

SINCE THEY GET CHIPS FROM MANY DIFFERENT CASINOS, THE CHURCHES HAVE DEVISED A METHOD TO COLLECT THE OFFERINGS.

THE CHURCHES SEND ALL THEIR COLLECTED CHIPS TO A NEARBY FRANCISCAN MONASTERY FOR SORTING AND THEN THE CHIPS ARE TAKEN TO THE CASINOS OF ORIGIN AND CASHED IN.
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THIS IS DONE BY THE CHIP MONKS .
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YOU
DIDN'T EVEN SEE IT COMING DID YOU?

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GOTCHA!

Have a great
Day!

Comments

HAIRCUT?

2009-09-24T00:05:43+02:00

A GUY STUCK HIS HEAD INTO A BARBER SHOP AND ASKED, "HOW LONG BEFORE I
CAN GET A HAIRCUT?"

THE BARBER LOOKED AROUND THE SHOP FULL OF CUSTOMERS AND SAID, "ABOUT
TWO HOURS."

THE GUY LEFT. A FEW DAYS LATER THE SAME GUY STUCK HIS HEAD IN THE
DOOR AND ASKED, "HOW LONG BEFORE I CAN GET A HAIRCUT?" THE BARBER LOOKED AROUND AT THE SHOP AND SAID, "ABOUT THREE HOURS."

THE GUY LEFT. A WEEK LATER THE SAME GUY STUCK HIS HEAD IN THE SHOP
AND ASKED, "HOW LONG BEFORE I CAN GET A HAIRCUT?"

THE BARBER LOOKED AROUND THE SHOP AND SAID, "ABOUT AN HOUR AND A
HALF."

THE GUY LEFT. THE BARBER TURNED TO A FRIEND AND SAID, "HEY, BILL, DO
ME A FAVOR.

FOLLOW THAT GUY AND SEE WHERE HE GOES. HE KEEPS ASKING HOW LONG HE HAS TO WAIT FOR A HAIRCUT, BUT THEN HE DOESN'T EVER COME BACK."

A LITTLE WHILE LATER BILL RETURNED TO THE SHOP, LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY.

THE BARBER ASKED, "SO WHERE DOES THAT GUY GO WHEN HE LEAVES?"

BILL LOOKED UP, TEARS IN HIS EYES FROM LAUGHTER AND SAID,

"YOUR HOUSE."

Comments

A RABBIT STORY

2009-09-21T21:55:29+02:00

A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman,

'Can I have a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie?'
The barman is amazed, but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie. The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the
toastie. He then leaves.
The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a pint of
beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and the extra drinkers in the pub, (because word gets
round), gives the rabbit the pint and the Toastie. The rabbit
consumes them and leaves.
The next night, the pub is packed.
In walks the rabbit and says, 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman.' The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and toastie, and then burst into applause as the Rabbit wolfs them down

The next night there is standing room only in the pub.

Coaches have been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending. The barman is making more money in one week than he did all last year
In walks the rabbit and says, 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman,

The barman says, 'I'm sorry rabbit, old mate, old mucker, but we are right out of them Ham and Cheese Toasties..'

The rabbit looks aghast.

The crowd has quietened to almost a whisper, when the barman clears his throat nervously and says, 'We do have a very nice Cheese and Onion Toastie.'

The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, 'Are you sure I will like it.' The masses' bated breath is ear shatteringly silent.

The barman, with a roguish smile says,
'Do you think that I would let down one of my best friends. I know you'll love it.'

'Ok', says the rabbit, 'I'll have a pint of beer and a Cheese and Onion Toastie.'

The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the toastie. He then waves to the crowd and leaves....

....NEVER TO RETURN!!!!!!
One year later, in the now impoverished public house, the barman, (who has only served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his), calls time.

When he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small
white form, floating above the bar.

The barman says, 'Who are you?',

To which he is answered,

'I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your public
house.'

The barman says, 'I remember you. You made me famous.

You would come in every night and have a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie.
Masses came to see you and this place was famous.'

The rabbit says, 'Yes I know.'

The barman said, 'I remember, on your last night we didn't have any Ham and Cheese Toasties. You had a Cheese and Onion one instead.'
The rabbit said, 'Yes, you promised me that I would love it.
The barman said, 'You never came back, what happened?'

'I DIED' ,said the rabbit.

'NO!' said the barman. 'What from?'

After a short pause. The rabbit said..
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'Mixin-me-toasties.'

Comments

The Talking Centipede

2009-09-19T23:46:02+02:00

A single guy decided life would be more fun if he had a pet.

So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.

After some discussion, he finally bought a talking centipede, (100-legged bug), which came in a little white box to use for his house...

He took the box back home, found a good spot for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to church with him.

So he asked the centipede in the box,

"Would you like to go to church with me today? We will have a good time."

But there was no answer from his new pet.

This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked again, "How about going to church with me and receive blessings?"

But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet.
So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.

The guy decided to invite the centipede one last time.

This time he put his face up against the centipede's house and shouted, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to church with me and learn about God?"
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YOU ARE GOING TO LOVE THIS
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This time, a little voice came out of the box,
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"I heard you the first time!
I'm putting on my shoes!"

Comments

Tell me Father.

2009-09-12T11:43:03+02:00

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading
a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards.
The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards.

The man, who was a priest, said, "I am a Father".

The little boy replied, "My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like
that".

The priest looked up from his book and answered,
''I am the Father of many".

The boy said, ''My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren
and he doesn't wear his collar that way!"

The priest,getting impatient,said "I am the Father of hundreds",
and went back to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while,then leaned over
and said, "Maybe you should wear a condom, and put your
pants on backwards instead of your collar".

Comments

This is not a hoax.

2009-09-06T11:34:05+02:00

THIS IS HAPPENING RIGHT HERE IN OUR OWN COUNTRY!

We Must Stop This Immediately !

Have you noticed that stairs are getting steeper . Groceries are heavier . And, everything is farther away. Yesterday I walked to the corner and I was dumbfounded to discover how long our street had become!

And, you know, people are less considerate now, especially the young ones. They speak in whispers all the time! If you ask them to speak up they just keep repeating themselves, endlessly mouthing the same silent message until they're red in the face! What do they think I am, a lip reader?

I also think they are much younger than I was at the same age. On the other hand, people my own age are so much older than I am. I ran into an old friend the other day and she has aged so much that she didn't even recognize me.

I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair this morning, and in doing so, I glanced at my own reflection well, REALLY NOW - even mirrors are not made the way they used to be!

Another thing, everyone drives so fast these days! You're risking life and limb if you happen to pull onto the freeway in front of them. All I can say is, their brakes must wear out awfully fast, the way I see them screech and swerve in my rear view mirror.

Clothing manufacturers are less civilized these days. Why else would they suddenly start labeling a size 10 or 12 dress as 18 or 20? Do they think no one notices? The people who make bathroom scales are pulling the same prank. Do they think I actually 'believe' the number I see on that dial? HA! I would never let myself weigh that much! Just who do these people think they're fooling?

I'd like to call up someone in authority to report what's going on -- but the telephone company is in on the conspiracy too: they've printed the phone books in such small type that no one could ever find a number in there!

All I can do is pass along this warning:
WE ARE UNDER ATTACK!

Unless something drastic happens, pretty soon everyone will have to suffer these awful indignities.

PLEASE PASS THIS ON TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW AS SOON AS POSSIBLE SO WE CAN GET THIS CONSPIRACY STOPPED!

Comments

What getting old means - When you have to .....

2009-09-04T11:31:20+02:00

1. Wear your glasses.
TO make sure your partner is actually in the bed.

2. Set timer for 3 minutes,
In case you doze off in the middle.

3. Set the mood with lighting.
(Turn them ALL OFF!)

4. Make sure you put 999 on your speed dial before you begin.

5. Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember.

6. Use extra polygrip so your teeth don't end up under the bed.

7. Have Solpadeine ready in case you actually complete the act..

8. Make all the noise you want...
The neighbors are deaf too.

9. If it works, call everyone you know with the good news!!

10. Don't even think about trying it twice. .. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs And make love,' and you answer, 'Pick one; I can't do both!'

'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes And you're barefoot.

'OLD' IS WHEN....
Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

'OLD' IS WHEN....
You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police ..

'OLD' IS WHEN..
'Getting a little action' means you don't need to take any fiber today.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
'Getting lucky' means you find your car in the parking lot.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
An 'all nighter' means not getting up to use the bathroom.

AND

'OLD' IS WHEN...
You are not sure if these are facts or jokes?

Comments

NINE WORDS WOMEN USE

2009-09-02T12:12:45+02:00

(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' . that will bring on a 'whatever').

(8) Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying F-- YOU!

(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.

Comments

The Rules of Bedroom Golf:

2009-08-30T11:04:00+02:00

Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play, normally one club and two balls.

Play on course must be approved by the owner of the hole.

Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out.

For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.

Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to the hole.

Object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the owner is satisfied play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play again.

It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival. Experienced players will normally take time to admire the entire course, paying special attention to well formed mounds and bunkers.

Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played or are currently playing to the owner of the course being played. Upset owners have been known to damage a players equipment for this reason.

Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear, just in case.

Players should not assume that the course is in shape to play at all times. Players may be embarrassed if they find the course temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternate means of play when this is the case.

Players should assume their match has been properly scheduled particularly when playing a new course for the 1st time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else is playing what they considered a private course.

The owner of the course is responsible for the pruning of any bushes, which may reduce the visibility of the hole.

Players are strongly advised to get the owners permission before attempting to play the backside.

Slow play is encouraged, however, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace at the owners request.

It is considered an outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.

Comments

Megrahi. My view.

2009-08-28T14:58:07+02:00

Hello, I was born in England and visited Scotland when I was 22 years old for a holiday, I am still living in Scotland. I discovered that the ordinary Scottish folk were as kind and helpful as any that I had ever met, basically, just the same as most ordinary people throughout the world. Working to provide for their families, helping others, living a decent life, proud of their country and have a sense of compassion and justice.

I eventually married a Scots girl, we had three sons, and now, six grandchildren, yes, all Scots, and, along with another 5 million other Scots they had no involvement with either the conviction or the release of Megrahi. For myself, my involvement was a letter to a Scottish daily newspaper that suggested that the better option for the Scottish Justice Minister may have been to provide a private place in Scotland outside of the prison where Megrahi and his family could be located whilst his legal team immediately placed before a Scottish judge his reasons for appeal.

After 40 years of marriage my wife died 6 years ago, I am aware of the pain of bereavement over the loss of a loved one, That loss must be greater when the loss is caused by reasons other than illness or age and especially felt when the loss is caused by a terrible criminal act. But, is it right that just as long as someone is imprisoned for the Pan Am disaster that this should be the end of the matter? Does this really give a sense of closure to those bereaved?

I, and many others, maybe even the majority, believe that justice may not have been served with the conviction of Megrahi and these doubts will continue unless action is taken to prove that the conviction was sound.

No, a release back to Libya was wrong for many reasons but do not blame Scotland and the Scots people as a whole.

Comments

Fanny Green.

2009-08-26T19:28:55+02:00

An Irish man went to confession in St. Patrick's Catholic Church.

'Father', he confessed, 'it has been one month since my last confession. I had sex with Fanny Green twice last month.'

The priest told the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's.'

Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional. 'Father, it has been two months since my last confession.. I've had sex with Fanny Green twice a week for the past two months.'

This time, the priest questioned, 'Who is this Fanny Green?'

'A new woman in the neighborhood,' the sinner replied.

'Very well,' sighed the priest. Go and say ten Hail Mary's.;

At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall,Voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes.

The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to realize she wasn't wearing any underwear.

The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, 'Is that Fanny Green?'

The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly reply, 'No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes'.

Comments

Unfair on Frederick Albert Joebangles.

2009-08-26T11:21:53+02:00

I know, I can hear you saying "Who?", and that is exactly why it is unfair. Grandad Frederick, 1888-1954, was an inventor, but huh! No blue plaque for him.

You've heard of Dyson and his cleaner, you've heard of Kirby and his grip, the ball pen invented by Kenny or Michael, but no, nothing for poor old Fred.

It was 1944 when I first found out. Actually on my seventh birthday.

Grandad Fred had bought me a present, Meccano 5A. For those that are too young to remember Meccano it was a boys construction toy with lengths that could be fixed together with nuts and bolts that allowed the "young constructor" to build models of cranes, trains, cars etc, namely, an errection set.

At the previous Christmas I had received Meccano set number 5 and by Christmas day evening I had a partially completed model of a railway engine, unfortunately to build that engine required Meccano set 6. Set 5A contained the extra parts that made set 5 up to set 6, I could finish the model.

Grandad Fred was there to help and as the final wheel was fitted to the undercarriage he said to me, "Not many people know this, but, when I was your age I invented the wheel".

Even at that time I thought it was pretty smart of him at only 7 years old to invent something as important as that, but you know, he has never been given the credit. That is a bit unfair.

Comments

Not true. Humour,

2009-08-24T19:58:13+02:00

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of
tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.

The man at the counter asked the older boy, 'Son, how old are you?'

'Eight', the boy replied.

The man continued, 'Do you know what these are used for?'

The boy replied, 'Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him.

He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these, you
would be able to swim, play tennis and ride a bike. Right now, he
can't do any of those things.

Comments

Fireman Sex.

2009-08-23T20:51:13+02:00

A FIREMAN came home from work one day and told his wife,
'You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station:
BELL 1 rings and we all put on our jackets,
BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole,
BELL 3 rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go..

'From now on when I say BELL1
I want you to strip naked.
When I say BELL2
I want you to jump in bed.
And when I say BELL3
We are going to make love all night.

' The next night he came home from work and yelled
'BELL1!' The wife promptly took all her clothes off.

When he yelled 'BELL 2!', the wife jumped into bed.
When he yelled ' BELL 3!', they began making love.

After a few minutes the wife yelled 'BELL 4!'
'What the hell is BELL4?' asked the husband?

'ROLL OUT MORE HOSE,' she replied '
YOU'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE.'

Comments

SMILE it's Friday.

2009-08-21T14:29:05+02:00

This is hilarious!!! Remember this the next time you need to return something and they are giving you a hard time!!!!!!!

A woman went to the service counter and told the clerk she wanted a refund for the toaster she bought because it won't work The clerk told her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.

Suddenly, the woman threw her arms up in the air and started screaming,

'PINCH MY NIPPLES,
PINCH MY NIPPLES,
PINCH MY NIPPLES!!!!!!'

The befuddled clerk ran away to get the store manager
In front of a growing crowd of customers.

The manager comes to the woman and asks,'Ma'am what's wrong?'

She explains the problem with the toaster, and he also tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.

Once again, the woman throws her arms up in the air and screams,

'PINCH MY NIPPLES,
PINCH MY NIPPLES,
PINCH MY NIPPLES!!!'

Which begins to draw an even bigger crowd!

In shock, the store manager pleads, 'Ma'am, why are you saying that?' ! ;

In a huff, the woman says,

'BECAUSE, I LIKE TO HAVE MY NIPPLES PINCHED WHEN I'M BEING SCREWED !!'

The crowd broke into applause and her money was quickly refunded!!

Comments